That’s My New Band Name!

Names for my imaginary band:

Mel Gibson’s Sharktits (something in the vein of 311 or Blink 182- so total crap)

Whack-a-mole and the Pink Tickets (Alt-country)

James Spader’s Stumpfuck (Neu-metal)

Buck Naked and the Handguns (Punk)

Porkfart (Country)

Fatback (my all-girl plus sized R&B group)

Hail to the Chief, Bitches…

 

In honor of President’s Week, I learned a few new things about our Commanders in Chief that may interest some of you.  Deciding whether or not I would have babies with these fellas (except for Clinton- yeeeee-ah) was entirely arbitrary and often based upon the stupid fact I found out about them.  So, with my hand on my heart, I give you, our presidents…

1. George Washington, 1789-1797 :  Forbade swearing in the Army.  No babies for you, motherfucker.
2. John Adams, 1797-1801: John Adams was a second cousin to Samuel Adams, and a third cousin to his own wife, Abigail Smith Adams.  The beer is schwaggy and marrying your cousin is dirtay- no babies for you.
3. Thomas Jefferson, 1801-1809:  Jefferson’s library of approximately 6,000 books became the basis of the Library of Congress. His books were purchased from him for $23,950- would totally have your babies, even if you like a little coffee with your cream.
4. James Madison, 1809-1817:  Madison was our smallest President, weighing 100 pounds, and standing 5 feet and 4 inches tall.  Awww, dude, you were totally a pocket president!  I guess babies are due to you.  
5. James Monroe, 1817-1825: James Monroe was the first president to tour the country.  That’s pretty badass.  I will totally have your babies.  
6. John Quincy Adams, 1825-1829: John Quincy Adams owned a pet alligator which he kept in the East Room of the White House.   That rules!  I will totally have your babies.  No, alligator!  Don’t eat Bruno Puntz-Jones!  You think that’s good?  That’s bad! 
7. Andrew Jackson, 1829-1837: Jackson was racist and sexist. He also believed that the earth was flat.  Dude, you were a dick.  No babies for you!
8. Martin Van Buren, 1837-1841: His autobiography does not mention his wife once.  Not cool, bro.  No babies, but props to your excellent muttonchops.  
9. William Henry Harrison, 1841:  Since you died 32 days into your term, and I don’t want my babies to have no babydaddies, no babies for you.  Big ups for studying medicine, though.  
10. John Tyler, 1841-1845:  John Tyler was the President to have the most children. He had 15.  Correction, a million and 15.  
11. James Knox Polk, 1845-1849:  Polk survived a gallstone operation at age 17 without anethesia or antiseptics.  So, you keep it hard in the yard.  I need a stong man like that to raise all our babies.  
12. Zachary Taylor, 1849-1850:  Taylor spent July 4, 1850, eating cherries and milk at a ceremony at the Washington Monument. He got sick from the heat and died five days later, the second president to die in office.  Dude, no babies for you, but we do both enjoy cherries and milk and dislike the heat.  Woulda been a nice match.
13. Millard Fillmore, 1850-1853:  Fillmore didn’t make an Inaugural Address.  Your cajones are large, sir.  Good on ya!  I will have a baby or two.  
14. Franklin Pierce, 1853-1857:  During his second year at Bowdoin College in Maine, Pierce had the lowest grades out of anyone in his class. He changed his study habits, and graduated third in his class. Among his class mates were Nathaniel Hawthorne and Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.  I love a good underdog story.  I will totally have your babies.  
15. James Buchanan, 1857-1861:  Buchanan had the opportunity to buy Cuba for only $90,000,000, but Congress wouldn’t let him because they thought he would steal the money and run away!  Dude, are you the kind of guy who says he’s gonna go buy Pampers and never come home?  Fuck that noise!  No babies for you!  
16. Abraham Lincoln, 1861-1865 – It goes without saying.  I’d totally have your babies, assassinated or not, Broseph!
17. Andrew Johnson, 1865-1869:  Andrew Johnson was a self-educated tailor. He is the only President who made his own clothes as well as his cabinet’s.  Sweet!  Your Project Runway Challenge is:  make clothes for our million babies.  
18. Ulysses Simpson Grant, 1869-1877:  Grant was a fourth cousin once removed of Franklin D. Roosevelt, a sixth cousin once removed of Grover Cleveland, and a first cousin three times removed to Judy Garland.  As a fag hag, I should have his babies because he’s kinda related to Judy.  Oh-kay…. 
19. Rutherford Birchard Hayes, 1877-1881:  Hayes was the first president to visit the West Coast while in office.  See, he’s keepin it HOOD!  He’s a West Coast boyee, gettin wicky-wicky-wild in the West.  Also, I LOVE the name Rutherford.  Babies for you, but only if we can name them all Rutherford.
20. James Abram Garfield, 1881:  Garfield was the only president to have been a preacher.  So, at least 40% of our million babies will be dudes, so they will all be the “Son of a Preacher Man.”  Bad-ass.
21. Chester Alan Arthur, 1881-1885:  Arthur changed his pants several times a day. He had over 80 pairs!  That’s a lot of pants, man.  Pants! Pants! Pants!  I cannot use this as a yardstick for whether or not I will have your babies, so I will give you a provisional pass.
22. Grover Cleveland, 1885-1889:  “Death and Destruction” was the name that Grover Cleveland gave to his favorite hunting rifle.  Mine is named Zack, because he’s a shootin’ maniac.  Well, it’s not a rifle, it’s a pistol, anyways…  You name your gun (it’s not Charlene), that’s pretty cool.  Babies for you!
23. Benjamin Harrison, 1889-1893:  When North and South Dakota were admitted to the Union. Harrison covered the tops of the bills and shuffled them so that he could only see the bottom. He signed them and we will never know which state was the 39th or the 40th!  You’re a dude of mystery.  I like that in a babydaddy.
24. Grover Cleveland, 1893-1897
25. William McKinley, 1897-1901:  McKinley kept a parrot in the White House that could whistle “Yankee Doodle.” McKinley would whistle the first part, and the bird would finish it.  My old cat used to sing along to Violent Femmes songs during “Mommy and Baby Sing Along…”  Too bad you got gatted.  No babies for you.
26. Theodore Roosevelt, 1901-1909:  I don’t have babies with warmongers.
27. William Howard Taft, 1909-1913:  Taft was our heaviest president, weighing 332 pounds. He once got stuck in the White House bath tub, so a new one was installed, big enough to hold four grown men!  Aww…the First Fatty.  Everyone needs love, even fatties.  I give you sympathy babies.
28. Woodrow Wilson, 1913-1921:  Fuck this clown.  No babies, ever!  Racist piece of shit!
29. Warren Gamaliel Harding, 1921-1923:  He was the first president to visit Canada. He stopped in Vancouver on his way to Alaska. He was also the first president to visit Alaska.  There is a lake named after him that we used to go to as kids.  I guess, out of fillial pride for me state that I will have your babies.
30. Calvin Coolidge, 1923-1929:  Coolidge had numerous dogs and cats, as well as a donkey named “Ebeneezer,” a goose that had starred in a Broadway play, and a raccoon named “Rebecca.” Coolidge was sometimes found walking around the White House with Rebecca on his shoulder.  YES!  Totally babydom for you.  That’s cool as fuck!
31. Herbert Clark Hoover, 1929-1933:  During Prohibition Hoover would visit the Belgian Embassy in Washington D.C. for drinks. It was considered foreign soil, so drinking was legal there.  Dude was a rebel and a lush.  Hell yes!  Good qualities for our many drunken babies.
32. Franklin Delano Roosevelt, 1933-1945:  You were married to Eleanor.  Babies for you, but proud, strong, female ones.
33. Harry S. Truman, 1945-1953:  Truman once said, “No man should be allowed to be president who doesn’t understand hogs.”  A sound minded sort of fellow, I guess.  Um, sure, babies for you….
34. Dwight David Eisenhower 1953-1961:  His favorite dessert was prune whip.  That’s so nasty.  Don’t come try to be all lovin up on me, wantin to make babies with prune breath, yo.
35. John Fitzgerald Kennedy, 1961-1963:  Dude, you were a nice guy, but then you got gatted.  You made the nuns cry that day, according to my catholic schooled mum.  That’s rough.  Alas, no babies.  Besides, it seems like most of em have pretty bad luck, anyways.
36. Lyndon Baines Johnson, 1963-1969:  Johnson loved the soda Fresca so much that he had a fountain installed in the Oval Office that would dispense the soda at the push of a button!  Well, Fresca IS pretty much the shit.  Plus, he sounded like a total badass who didn’t take a lot of shit from folks.  Our babies would probably also enjoy Fresca.  It is pretty refreshing.
37. Richard Milhous Nixon, 1969-1974:  Aw, Nixon.  You were crazy.  That’s hereditary sometimes.  No babies for you.
38. Gerald Rudolph Ford, 1974-1977:  Ford was once a male model.  That’s funny- he doesn’t look ridiculously good looking (insert Zoolander pucker).  Dude, he was a klutz, and I’ve gotten stitches from falling off a curb.  That is a bad scene.  No broken babies for us, homie.
39. James Earl Carter, Jr., 1977-1981:  You are awesome!  I would totally have your babies.  You have done so much as an ex-president that none of these other foos have that you get extra babies, iffen you want em.
40. Ronald Wilson Reagan, 1981-1989:  No babies, and I hope that all the hoboes you let starve in the street and all the people that could have maybe survived getting AIDS in the 80s haunt you in your afterlife, you Gumby haired motherfucker.
41. George Herbert Walker Bush, 1989-1993:  See below for your fuckhat son.
42. William Jefferson Clinton, 1993-2001:  Bill Clinton is the first left-handed American president to serve two terms.  Clinton was mauled by a sheep when he was about eight years old. Clinton called it “the awfullest beating I ever took.” Bill Clinton was the first and only president to have been a Rhodes Scholar.  Dude, I could go on and on about how rad Clinton is.  I hope our babies are as rad as we are.  There is something really genuinely sexy about that cat.  He is the Freak in Chief.  Aww….yeah…..AND he likes the fatties.  It’s on, Billy Boy!  Call a bitch. 
43. George Walker Bush, 2001- Not even if it meant that we could re-populate the world, once you get us blowed the fuck up.  No babies, ever.  I can’t even joke about it, you’re that disgusting.

Letter to the Editor Mondays- An Open Letter to the Spammers on My Hotmail Account

 

 Dear Spammer to My Hotmail Account:

I have not ever asked you about getting a larger penis, seeing hot shaved teens, or getting discount Vicodin.  I am offended by your familiar tone.  

You see, I watch too much Law and Order and have become rather preoccupied with the idea that a police officer would be reading my e-mail for clues were I smote in the bloom of my youth and beauty, having them make the incorrect assumption that I am a pervert, addict, or unendowed.  

Please refrain from using “Re: your question” if you simply cannot avoid e-mailing me at all.  I have no question where the answer will ever be “Hot shaved teens.”  I only want to know about getting a larger penis if it is attached to one of my baby daddies.  As for the Vicodin, well, prescription drugs don’t equal my idea of having fun on a Friday night.

Yours in Shaved, Painless, Penile Elongation-

A Disgruntled Hotmail User

Incipid Lyrics Friday

Today’s Song: “Do Yo Chain Hang Low?” by Young Jibbs

So, I don’t know why, but this song cracks me the fuck up.

Really, nothing more needs be said. 

It’s the kind of song that makes you cock your head like a dog and go ”Whaaaaaaaaa?” 

Seriously, read on, and weep for the future of hip-hop.  Do yo chain hang low,
Do it wobble to da flo,
Do it shine in da light,
Iz it platinum, iz it gold?
Could you throw it ova ya shoulda, Why would you want to?  No one could see it- that’s the whole point!
If you hot it make you cold, Huh?  Is it because it’s “ice?” Or made of metal?  Help a bitch out!
Do ya chain hang low?

Iz that yo chain?
Bout 24 inches
Iz how low I let it hang,
Hop out the ride and let the diamonds
Smoke off the range, The stove top?  Where the deer and the antelope play? Oh! I got it!  Range ROVER!
Just bought a chain,
You can tell a big kid – Like a fat kid, or a tall kid, or a kid with a lot of money? 
Do his thang, - What?  Play jacks?  Scotch tape his nose to look like a pig?  
You kno the name

Iz that yo chain?
Bout 24 inches
Iz how low I let it hang,
Hop out the ride and let the diamonds
Smoke off the range,
Just bought a chain,
You can tell a big kid
Do his thang,
I’m off the chain

Yea yea yea yeeeaah..
I’m hot *****
Chain so low,
You would think diamonds never stop it, Shouldn’t they make it hang even lower?
And it’s funny cuz you could never stop it,
A bunch of rocks on my hand,
And I ain’t even on the block yet,
Chrome white gold sorta
Golden like my Tims,
And my chain hang 24 inches like the rims,
Diamonds all blown up,
Sorta like a pimp,
So when the light hit the ice,
It start glissin off the tims (Off the tims)

My chain hang,
All it do iz blang blang,
Half blue, half red,
Like my diamonds gang bang - Wait, isn’t it poor form to have red and blue together if you’re bangin?
And I don’t even thank
That we even on the same page – You are correct, sir.
Charms so heavy
They couldn’t lift it
Till the crane came - I hope you’re ballin hard enough to afford a good chiropractor.

Do yo chain hang low,
Do it wobble to da flo,
Do it shine in da light,
Iz it platinum, iz it gold?
Could you throw it ova ya shoulda,
If you hot it make you cold,
Do ya chain hang low?

Do yo chain hang low,
Do it wobble to da flo,
Do it shine in da light,
Iz it platinum, iz it gold?
Could you throw it ova ya shoulda,
If you hot it make you cold,
Do ya chain hang low?

(Chain) Yea yea yea yeeeeaa
I’m so icy (Do yo chain?)
Charms so heavy
That my neck don’t like me (Do yo chain?) - Ha!  That’s actually kind of awesome!
And no no no itz not a game (Do yo chain?)
The size ???????????????????? (Do, do, do, do, do, do yo chain?)
(It’s nothin!) Diamonds iz nothing to me (Do yo chain?)
Especially when I’m dressin up,
Itz justa button to me (Bling!) (Could you throw it ova ya shoulda?)
And not to mention my teeth – Whaaaaaa?
Cuz dey color coordinate, Woah, dude.  There is such a thing as being too matchy matchy.
Complimenting the teeth (All rite) Hey, inscisor, you’re looking very pointy today, man. 
So check out my swag,
Diamondz red white and blue,
Like the american flag, (The boy so colorful!) (Do yo chain?)
And see I got that nice green,
My money I spend on jewels,
I call it my ice cream, (Chain, Chain, Chain)
My music give you a black eye, Only because I want to punch myself in it.
Cuz of the beating,
They think I am a mutant,
They way a boy is beasting, (Chain, Chain, Chain) - I love the idea of beasting as a verb!
You would call it cheating, Whaaaaaa?
The boys always around,
Like it’s a meeting

Iz that yo chain? (Do yo chain?)
Bout 24 inches
Iz how low I let it hang, (Do yo chain?)
Hop out the ride and let the diamonds
Smoke off the range, (Do yo chain?)
Just bought a chain,
You can tell a big kid
Do his thang, (Do yo chain?)
You kno the name
( Do, do, do, do, do, do yo chain?)
Iz that yo chain?
Bout 24 inches
Iz how low I let it hang, (Do yo chain?)
Hop out the ride and let the diamonds
Smoke off the range, (Do yo chain?)
Just bought a chain,
You can tell a big kid
Do his thang, (Do yo chain?)
I’m off the chain

Do, do, do, do, do, do
Do yo chain hang low,
Do it wobble to da flo,
Do it shine in da light,
Iz it platinum, iz it gold?
Could you throw it ova ya shoulda,
If you hot it make you cold,
Do ya chain hang low?

Do yo chain hang low,
Do it wobble to da flo,
Do it shine in da light,
Iz it platinum, iz it gold?
Could you throw it ova ya shoulda,
If you hot it make you cold,
Do ya chain hang low?
i didnt write this
some other guy did – I certainly hope so! I wouldn’t want to claim you did if I were you…

Man, If I Were 13, I’d Have Such a Boner Right Now

This is totally how I saw Axl Rose as a wee girl.  Some genius has tapped some weird primal part of my psyche…  That’s one for the ol’ Spank Bank.

 

Also, I just heard Stone Temple Pilots are reuniting for a festival this summer. 

Do you know how many times I heard “Hey everybody, where did Mary go?  She’s got my only cigarrette” thing that was the hidden track on Core in high school?  A LOT!  Thanks for nothing, Weiland!  I used to have that whole weird rant that was inside the liner notes of Core that was all about society being full of filthy pigs or something as my binder cover.  Man, I was fucking rad.  Really, between that and listening to Use Your Illusions 1 and 2 on repeat for 4 years, the radness never stopped!  I totally cut school one time, huffed a bunch of White-Out with a friend and watched Don’t Cry, November Rain, and Estranged on repeat.  Maybe, had I not done that in hindsight, compounded with the never ending joints after school, I would be doing better in my math class now- doubtful.  Playing the “what if” game is counterproductive anyways…

It just makes me sad that the youths (pronounced yutes) don’t have anything this self-indulgent and over-the-top to enjoy, look forward to, and watch days of MTV for.  I weep for them.  Poor bastards- all they get are re-runs of Jackass, people vomiting and making out in hot-tubs on various Real World-type affairs, and My Super Sweet 16 to tide them over between My Chemical Romance Vidoes.  It’s a damn shame.  I don’t care who you are (Fink Fiend McCheech Lover), no Panic! At The Disco is a substitute for the wedding scene in November Rain, and you know it!

Kitty, Kitty, Kitty, Kitty (Ungh) Part Deux(che)

Really, the idea of douching with Lysol is absolutely terrifying, isn’t it?  Oh hell, why not ammonia, or bleach, for that matter? That will keep your cat clean for your fun lovin fella.

I can only imagine the number of women with wrecked kids and even more wrecked junk that are a direct result of this concept. I love that your husband becomes indifferent to you  on all levels if you have a smelly coot.  How stinky do you have to be to have a coot so smelly you have to cover it with LYSOL? Like, did these chicks give occasional birth to a giant iodine chunk? 

The other thing- Lysol STINKS!  I would rather have a ho with smelly junk than medicinal smellin junk.  It’s not like dudes have junk that smells like spring roses kissed by a baby angel!  BONER KILL.  Unless you’re into that whole medical fetish thing, in which case, BONER LAND!

Man, there must have been a rash of these “Smelly coochie can ruin your life!” ads:

Letter to the Editor Mondays- An Open Letter to the Weird Dancing Alien That Tries to Get Me To Re-Finance My House

Dear Alien-

You have no idea how much I would like to own a home, only to re-finance it to make you dance.  I love you, man.  I love you like that stupid Budweiser commercial where the two fat guys kept yelling “I love you, Man”, or that guy in Wayne’s World who kept shouting it (I believe his name was Terry).  I could watch you dance for hours, and giggle like someone with a lack of oxygen to the brain (which I am accused of having almost daily).

I just felt I needed to share. 

I don’t know what person in their infinite wisdom chose you as the ambassador of mortgage deals, seeing as you don’t even live on Earth, but to that person I am forever grateful.  You are a beam of light to my otherwise dull, pointless existance.

God bless you and your important work. 

Rave on, my interstellaer amigo!  I twirl a couple of lightsticks on a shoelace in your general direction.

Peace, Love, Unity, Respect-

A Fan

Head Like a Hole (A Blow Hole in a Wind Instrument, That Is…)

Dude, check it. 

 Trent Reznor was a band geek!

 

Yipes, Stripes!

I Got Pac-Man Fever

 

I have a strange fascination with Pac-Man.  I have no idea why.  I just wonder what he’s like.  He doesn’t really have a back story.  He isn’t really on a quest.  He doesn’t inspire any kind of sympathy or desire to help him, etc.  You just kind of lead him through glutting himself on things, level after level. 

So, orginally, I was thinking about how funny it would be if Pac-Man were a binge and purger, and would just puke pellets everywhere after he finished each level.  I mean, that’s a lot of stuff to eat, provided the player is skilled.  Pellets, the really big blinky pellets, fruit, ghosts…  I thought of him getting an intervention and, well, really, my head is a fucked up place.  Needless to say, I laughed my ass off. 

So THEN, it led me to believe that he was actually an overeater.  Then I thought of more imaginary people that are overeaters all meeting at an Overeaters Anonymous Meeting and what they might say to eachother…Below is just a taste (oooh, BAAAD pun)…

PacMan:  So, we’d like to welcome two new members tonight, Scooby and Shaggy

All:  Hello Scooby and Shaggy.

Shaggy:  Like wow, I have, like no idea why I’m here man.  Isn’t this for, like fat people?

PacMan:  Shaggy, we would like to ask that members are respectful of eachother’s recovery and that we not make value judgements about why we are here. 

Scooby:  Roo’re radicted roo rood, Raggy.  Roo ruse it roo fill ra rempty prace recause Daphne won’t ruve roo.  Roo moke roo much pot too!  Rat’s a role nother group, ‘rough…  

Shaggy:  You shut the fuck up, you moley, speech impedimented sack of shit!   

Scooby:  Rit’s rrue, rough.

Shaggy:  Oh, God, maybe you’re right.  I beg that bitch for dog treats just to get her attention. 

Pac-Man:  Shaggy, we ask that our members don’t use abrasive language to other members in the group. 

Cookie Monster:  Dere will be cookie at da end of group, yes?

Pac-Man:  Sorry, Cookie, we cannot reward our behavior and stay on our paths with food.  Why not go see a movie, or take a walk, or count!  You love to count!  You can count the number of days you haven’t been on a cookie bender. 

Cookie Monster:  You no have idea how hard is for Cookie to no eat cookie.  It hurt like punch in chest.  Pac-Man never been on 4 day cookie bender, have he?  Wake with sugar fuzz on teeth and tongue, thirsty, empty box of Lorna Doone next to head.  You no even like shortbread!  You snort lines of Nilla Wafers!  Da Keebler Elf gives you erection!  You have blood sugar level in 200s!  Crumbs in bed, and all you think is…c is for cookie, dat’s good enough for me…(Breaks into inaudible sobs).  Good enough for ME!

Garfield:  Oh, fuck you, Cookie Monster!  I kick dogs for lasagna!  I kicked a fucking dog off a counter because I didn’t want him to have any.  He’s on one of those fucking two wheeled cart things because I had a ricotta jones.  That’s something I have to live with EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE!  So fuck you, man, fuck you and your fucking cookies.  I need a cigarette.

Kirby:  Oh yeah?  Have you ever SHIT FIRE?  Huh?  SHIT FIRE?  Yeah, I didn’t think so.  Save the sob story for Jon, Dickhead.  I’ve eaten shit that would make your fucking head explode.  I have napalm for diarrhea, man.

Pac-Man:  I think things are getting a little intense in here.  I think we’ve made some really good progress here tonight.  Good work everyone. 

-SCENE-

Incipid Lyrics Friday

So, my hatred of Avril Lavigne is well-documented somewhere in the ether- she sucks.  She has no fashion sense.  She really needs to ease up off the eyeliner.  She looks like an opossum who shops at Hot Topic.  Yes, yes, I know I’ve said it all before.  She sucks.  A lot. 

What really offends me, deep in my soul is the fact that she can sell MILLIONS of albums, claim to be “punk,” and not know who David Bowie is.  She “writes” her own stuff apparently- though there are some who would argue she’s stolen their stuff.  Why would you want to lay claim to something like this week’s crap pile, “Girlfriend?”  Here’s the other thing- IT’S NOT A FUCKING SONG!  She has, apparently, decided to follow in the repulsive, leopard printed path of Gwen Stefani and get paid millions of dollars to write CHEERS! 

That shit makes me bananas (b-a-n-a-n-a-s)!

There are so many people I would rather give my money to to make GOOD music, like, oh, I dunno, the 2 cats humping in my yard, or that homeless guy that hums the theme from Hawii 5-0 all day every day.  The fact that she lives in a mansion for this shit makes me sad.  It makes me question the justice of the universe.  It makes my soul hurt.  No me gusta. 

Anyways- I think it really speaks for itself.  No additional commentary is really necessary, but that’s not how I roll.

 Today’s Feature- Girlfriend by Avril Lavigne

Hey Hey You You
I don’t like your girlfriend
No way No way
I think you need a new one
Hey Hey You You
I can be your girlfriendHey Hey You You
I know that you like me
No way No way
No, it’s not a secret
Hey Hey You You
I want to be your girlfriend

You’re so fine
I want you mine
You’re so delicious
I think about you all the time
You’re so addictive
Don’t you know what I can do to make you feel all right?

Don’t pretend
I think you know
I’m damn precious - If precious means contrived and trite, sure.
And, hell yeah,
I’m the mother fucking princess
I can tell you like me too
And you know I’m right

She’s like so whatever – Brilliant.  You’re a goddamn poet.
You can do so much better
I think we should get together now
And that’s what everyone’s talking about

Hey, hey, you, you, you should get a lyricist.  No really.  No really.  You have no fucking rhyming scheme!Hey Hey You You
I don’t like your girlfriend
No way No way
I think you need a new one
Hey Hey You You
I can be your girlfriend

Hey Hey You You
I know that you like me
No way No way
No, it’s not a secret
Hey Hey You You
I want to be your girlfriend

I can see the way
See the way
You look at me
And even when you look away
I know you think of me
I know you talk about me all the time
again and again

So come over here
and tell me what I wanna hear – Ah, yes, a true return to form, remnicent of Sk8ter Boi.  Masterful stroke.
Better yet make your girlfriend disappear
I don’t wanna hear you say her name
ever againShe’s like so whatever
You can do so much better
I think we should get together now
And that what everyone’s talking about – Hey Hey You You 

I don’t like your girlfriend
No way No way
I think you need a new one
Hey Hey You You
I could be your girlfriendHey Hey You You
I know that you like me
No way No way
No, it’s not a secret
Hey Hey You You
I want to be your girlfriend

In a second you’ll be wrapped around my finger
‘Cause I can, ’cause I can do it better
There’s no other, so when’s it gonna sink in
She’s so stupid, what the hell were you thinking? -

Did a 6 year old write this?  “She’s so stupid”?  Why not call her a poophead or something while you’re at it?  “She totally has cooties, and she doesn’t have no boobies…” Haven’t you ever heard that saying that says “When you point the finger, remember 3 of them are pointing back at you?” Think about that before you put out another album, maybe.In a second you’ll be wrapped around my finger
‘Cause I can, ’cause I can do it better
There’s no other, so when’s it gonna sink in
She’s so stupid, what the hell were you thinking?

Hey Hey You You
I don’t like your girlfriend
No way No way
I think you need a new one
Hey Hey You You
I can be your girlfriend

(No Way)

Hey Hey You You
I know that you like me
No way No way
No, it’s not a secret
Hey Hey You You
I want to be your girlfriend

Hey Hey You You
I don’t like your girlfriend ( No Way!)
No way No way
I think you need a new one (Hey!)
Hey Hey You You
I can be your girlfriend (No Way!)

Hey Hey You You
I know that you like me (No Way!)
No way No way
No, it’s not a secret (Hey!)
Hey Hey You You
I want to be your girlfriend (No Way!)

Hey Hey!