This is Seriously the Saddest Zebra I Have Ever Seen!

Not to say I am an expert on these things, but that dude looks SAD.

It actually bummed me out for a minute looking at him.

This guy knows pain, and not in the “my parents never loved me way,” either. 

In other emo news, have you heard about this shit going down in Mexico? 

http://www.exclaim.ca/articles/generalarticlesynopsfullart.aspx?csid1=120&csid2=844&fid1=30610 

Sure, I’ve wanted to throw something at an emo kid before, like a giant tub of IMO, that fake sour cream, but actually beating em down?  Not cool.  Between them and the punks, there’s some kind of turf war.  It’s like the Sharks and the Jets, only with actual stabbing instead of those silly hand-holding circle things they did in the play.  It’s kind of interesting too how many hard core cholos like Morrisey.  What the fuck, Mexico?

Oh yes, and one more thing.  I really dislike it immensely (I am making a concerted effort to not use the word hate when I don’t mean it) when people say they are feeling “emo.”  EMO IS NOT AN EMOTION, DUDE!!!  FOR FUCK’S SAKE!  There are so many lovely words to convey feeling crappy about the world.  Perhaps you are feeling like a you have a general feeling of malaise, or perhaps you are feeling morose, or even baleful, or have a touch of ennui.  See, aren’t those nice words that are DYING because we live in such a pop-tart, text messaged, microwaved society?  It’s a damn shame.  So, the greater message here, my good people, is be sad, be bummed, but for the love of GOD and everything holy, don’t call yourself emo. 

You might get your ass beat by a cholo who knows all the words to Suedehead.  

Behind the Music – Toxic Megacolon

Why is that medical terminology has the best potential for a band name?

For example, the phrase Toxic Megacolon, is, if you’ll excuse the pun, the shit!

Can you imagine what their backstory would be like?

Pretty Much the Best Thing Ever!

Dude.  I love it when people misspell profanity.  There is an overpass over by where I live where some douchehat risked his life to write FUK proudly in giant hot pink letters.  I think someone might have actually had to have held his ankles, but I’m not sure.  Maybe one of his parents is in Cirque du Soleil. 

ANYwho…

I was riding the bus this morning, on my way to work, earphones in my ears, scarf covering my nose to filter out l’odeur du hobeaux (we have a ride free zone downtown, so everyone of all olfactory backgrounds rides), when he came through the double doors.

My heart stopped.

I had to catch my breath.

I looked once, then twice, as he wrapped his scabby knuckles around the “Oh, shit, hang on” pole.  There, on one set of knuckles, the letters spelt ”L-O-V-E.” 

“Hm,” I thought to myself, “This dude must be a HUGE Meatloaf fan!” 

Then the second hand undulated, like the cautious wings of a rare butterfly, so I could see the second set of knuckles.  On them read, I shit you not, the letters “P-U-S-Y.”

Dear Dude on the Bus, you are obviously a great lothario in the sack and needed to express it to the world.  You really do need to learn to spell and wear fingerless gloves to cover that shit if you’re looking for work, though.

Either that, or you are prone to abscesses, and found this a more declarative indicator than a Medic Alert bracelet.  

What Rolls Down Stairs, and Comes In Pairs, Runs Over Your Neighbor’s Dog?

So, because I am a huge dork, for the past almost 8 years or so I have been receiving newsletters from the Infectious Disease department at the CDC, as well as the Morbidity and Mortality Report that comes once a week.  Basically, they all discuss what’s happening with disease, injuries, and illnesses in the United States.  Lots of them are really interesting, like how many women between 18-39 get abortions per year, or the most recent outbreak of Hantavirus and things like that.  Sometimes, they’re kind of stupid and make you ask yourself- did the Center for Disease Control actually pay scientists money for this study?

For example, here is the title of the one from this morning:

Nonoccupational Logging Fatalities — Vermont, 1997–2007

Now, here’s a question for them presented in the scientific method we all know so well from science fair projects.

Question:  Does anyone give a rat’s ass about less than 100 people that were crushed by trees in Vermont, despite the fact that they are not professional loggers?

Hypothesis:  I suspect that no one gives a rat’s ass, save for the family members of the people trimming trees, etc.  It’s probably pretty sad for them.

Experiment/Data Collection:  I just asked a co-worker if she would say that a study of this nature has any kind of scientifc relevance.  She said, “Probably not, why do you ask?”  She also appears to not be very interested in the subject.

Conclusion:  My sample population did not give a rat’s ass.  I think these results can be extrapolated to many populations not interested in the dangers of chopping trees without being a professional in the timber industry and non-residents of Vermont during 1997-2007.

Report Results:  So, there you have it. 

How To Not Make Nice With Your Neighbors- A How To Guide

Step 1:  Drink a LOT of rum and orange juice.

Step 2:  Don’t eat anything except refried beans.  Continue drinking rum and orange juice.

Step 3:  Borrow a karaoke machine.

Step 4:  Continue drinking rum and orange juice until 3-4 AM (undetermined, due to time change).  Smoke a joint.

Step 5:  Play Selena’s “Mis Mejores Exitos” at full blast.  Scream the words to “Como La Flor”  Listen for thumping on floor.  

Step 6:  Go to bed almost immediately, for fear of call from landlord.

Step 7:  Sheepishly write note of apology to neighbor on Kewpie Doll stationary.

That’s My New Band Name! 2- Electric Boogaloo

Periscope Urinal

Dude, We’re Livin on the Edge! The Killers are the New Aerosmith

One of the doctors I work for really likes The Killers right now.  Eww.

Check it- they’re totally the new Aerosmith!

Hot Fuss = Get a Grip

Okay, so you know how Cryin, Amazing, and Crazy all kind of sound the same?

So do Somebody Told Me, Mr. Brightside, and Smile Like You Mean It.

Interesting, n’est-ce pas?

Garfield Is Dead

Wow.

 Go here.

http://garfieldisdead.ytmnd.com/

Then stay away from anything sharp.