I. have. such. wood. right. now.
In two weeks, I am gonna see these dudes.
I am muy excited. The Kids in the Hall, 4 of my babies daddies (minus Scott, since he does dudes) are comin to Seattle.
Such wood.
The inseam of my pants are straining.
This is about to get embarassing, y’all.
I was listening to Kriss Kross’ perennial hit “Jump, Jump” the other day and it occurred to me- they are obviously MENSA member rappers, trying to keep us smart folks on our toes. Check it out:
Jump Jump
You should know, you should know that ahhh
Kris Kross is not having anything today
As we stand there totally krossed out
We commence to make you
Jump Jump
The Mac Dad will make you Jump Jump
The Daddy Mac will make you Jump Jump
Kris Kross will make you Jump Jump
Don’t try to compare us to another bad little fad
I’m the Mac and I’m bad give you something that you never had
I’ll make ya Jump Jump wiggle and shake your rump
Cause I’ll be kicking the flavor that makes you wanna Jump
How high? Real high
Cause I’m just so fly
A young loveable, huggable type of guy
And everything is the back with a little slack
And inside-out is wiggida wiggida wack
I come stompin’ with somethi’ to keep you jumpin’
R&B abd bullcrap is what I’m dumpin’
And ain’t something about Kris Kross we all that
So when they ask to the rocks they believe that
Jump Jump
The Mac Dad will make you Jump Jump
The Daddy Mac will make you Jump Jump
Kris Kross will make you Jump Jump
uh huh uh huh
Jump Jump
The Mac Dad will make you Jump Jump
The Daddy Mac will make you Jump Jump
Kris Kross will make you Jump Jump
I let myself knockin’ knockin’
I love it when a girl is play jockin’ jockin’
The D-A-double D-Y-M-A-C
Ya you know me
I got you jumpin’ an’ pumpin’ an’ movin’ all around G
In the mix I make ya take a step back
They try to step to the Mac then they got jacked
To the back you’ll be sportin’ the gear that’s coincidental
And like you knowit so don’t be claiming that it’s mental
Two lil’ kids with a flow you ain’t ever heard
And none faking you can understand every word
As you listen to my cool school melody
The Daddy makes you J-U-M-P
Jump Jump
The Mac Dad will make you Jump Jump
The Daddy Mac will make you Jump Jump
Kris Kross will make you Jump Jump
uh huh uh huh
Jump Jump
The Mac Dad will make you Jump Jump
The Daddy Mac will make you Jump Jump
Kris Kross will make you Jump Jump
Now, the formalities of this and that
Is that Kris Kross ain’t comin’ off wack
And for all ya’ll sucks that don’t know
Check it out
Some of them try to rhyme but they can’t rhyme like this Go Go
Some of them try to rhyme but they can’t rhyme like this Go Go
Some of them try to rhyme but they can’t rhyme like this Go Go
Some of them try to rhyme but they can’t Go Go
Cause I’m the miggida miggida miggida Mac Daddy
Miggida miggida miggida Mac
Cause I’m the miggida miggida miggida Mac Daddy
I make you wanna
Jump Jump
The Mac Dad will make you Jump Jump
The Daddy Mac will make you Jump Jump
Kris Kross will make you Jump Jump
uh huh uh huh (repeat 3 more times)
Believe dat
So, basically, they posit a very interesting query, one such as an individual might find on an IQ test:
Question: If all mack daddies are daddie macks, and all mack daddies make people jump (jump), do daddie macks make people jump (jump)?
Answer: Uh huh, uh huh!
Because Dr. Phil is the 4th fucking Horseman of the Apocolypse.
Seriously, what the FUCK is this guy’s problem? What kind of sick horse’s ass do you have to bail a girl out of jail who beat another girl so hard that her hearing and sight are damaged?
If he had any sense of what’s right and wrong, he’d have paid the other girl’s medical bills and let that little twat to rot in jail where she belongs. There is no reason imaginable for that brutal of a beating, short of your own life being threatened.
It is more than obvious to even the most simple of simpletons that he is gonna put her on his show and do his blowhard hard talk bullshit for ratings. Meanwhile, this other girl will most likely have some serious ass anxiety in addition to her physical pain.
Fuck that clown. I hope they yank him off the air and someone gives him as vicious a beatdown. As a matter of fact, they outta hire some folks from Jenny Jone’s or Ricki Lake’s old studio audiences.
Taste the fists, motherfucker!
Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
Yeah, um, to that chick in the front, girl you need to ditch that zero and get yourself a hero! Beeep! Beeeep! Beeeeeep!
…Cue crickets…
Wait…what was I talking about?
Right, the end of civilization. Is it just me, or does anyone get the sneaking sensation that we as a society are becoming more Lord of the Flies all the time?
Ooh, sucky. I’m a porky porky fatass who is kind of a weenie and tries to keep peace and wears glasses. I am SO hosed. I better start wearing a helmet.
So, as every morning, I was riding the bus into work, when I happened to see this teeny tiny little girl with the most gi-normous afro puffs ever. I kinda wanted to go bury my face in em or something, she was so cute. Anyways, she was egging her little brother on, as sisters are wont to do, and they played a delightful game of parroting eachother. Charming, right? That’s what I thought too, until she started yelling “Flavor FLAAAAAV,” just like one of the numerous hoochies with no self-respect that demean themselves every week on his repulsive show, which I am shamefully addicted to. It’s like looking into the sun- I am dazzled and filled with fear. So, I make a joke to the girls father “Big NWA fan, huh,” to which he replies, “Nah, she just likes the show.” Now, I’m no square, I’m not L7, but the idea of this man letting his 8 year old daughter watch that kind of crap made me really sad and kinda weirded me out. Good role models there, fo sho! If by role models you mean disease vectors in pink bras.
All I could do is imagine her doing the bootie clap in Flav’s face in front of a camera 10 years in a tube dress. What would daddy think of her then? Sir, do you really want your daughter grinding on and sticking her tongue down the throat of someone easily old enough to be her father? Ewwwwww…
DUDE IS NOT ATTRACTIVE. It doesn’t matter if he has money- one can do better. Someone that shiny without the aid of lotion should really have a full body CT and make sure everything’s okay. He should also eat a sammich or 6. In addition, HE WEARS VIKING HORNS AND SCREAMS HIS OWN NAME OVER AND OVER! Poor, POOR Chuck D. All that hard work and drive and brilliance, to have his cred blown by a half-wit being dry humped by golddiggers that don’t even know why the person she’s dry humping is famous.
Really, the words dry hump are really repulsive.
You know what else is a repulsive word combo? Anal barf!
I love the word barf- it’s one of my favorites.
I need to get out more. Seriously.
