Here Comes the Sun (Doo, doo, doo, doo, DON’T)!

This is me and the sun.

I think I should have used the picture of Apollo Creed and Ivan Drago to more accurately depict what’s gonna go down.

There.  That’s closer to how it’s gonna go down.  Guess who I am?  I’ll give you a hint.  I’m the one that fucking DIES!  Yeah.  It’s gonna be 86 the WHOLE FUCKING WEEKEND!

Balls to that.  Big, gay, shaved (or waxed) balls.  

AND, in speaking of gay, it’s Pride Weekend, but I have my 11 year old cousin coming to town, which will be a lot of fun, but also means I have to behave myself on a weekend where I am usually at my most naughty.  

Why does God not want me to get drunk with drag queens at a respectable temperature?

All I want is a 60 degree weekend with the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence and borderline liver failure from doing too many shots.

Is that too much to ask?  Really?

Where the fuck is Mickey when you need him?

I don’t even know who my Mickey is.

Hey, wanna know something kinda rad?  Dolph Lungren has a PhD in Physics!  AND, he broke 3 of Stallone’s ribs during the filming of Rocky 4.

So now you know, and knowing is half the battle. 

GO JOE!

 

C’mon Baby, Take a Walk With Me Honey, and Tell Me Whoo Do You Love?

 

Cutest. Thing. Ever. 

Owls are super cute.

I remember as a kid we used to go to the zoo all the freakin time with my uncles and in the Alaskan Animals section (we lived in Anchorage), there was a Snowy Owl and a Great Horned Owl.  For some reason or another, I always thought it said “Great Honored Owl,” and I thought “Well, he IS pretty cool looking…And I guess he should be honored because he’s so wise…” 

So, there you go.  A stupid anectdote for you to go “Awww,” over.

I still really love the petting zoo.  I think it’s my favorite part of the whole zoo experience.  Yeah, sure, you can probably go pet a goat for free somewhere, I’m sure, but they always seem so fucking happy to see everyone.  Who doesn’t love happy animals?  Only sick bastards, that’s whooooooo.  See what I did there?  That’s called confluence, kids.

Scooby Dooby Doo, Where Are You? The Police Would Like to Ask Some Questions…

Oh. My. God.

I love this man. 

Why aren’t there more people like him in the world, and why don’t they live here?

I love that no one knows why the hell he did it either. 

So. funny.

Loogie, Loogie, Ooooh No, We Gotta Go Now (Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah)…

There is nothing nastier than the entrance to a county hospital.  Every morning coming in, I pray that there will be no mystery puddle to avoid.  Every morning, God fails me, and there is something more disgusting with each step.  For example, this morning, on my way in, I discovered the following:

Approx 50 feet from entrance- Several dirty, scabby bandages, assorted varieties and shapes.

Approx 25 feet from entrance- Estimated 50-100 loogies (this is the designated smoking area)

Approx 5 feet from entrance- Mystery puddle with chunks.  Could be spilled soup, could be vomit, only the person who deposited it there knows for sure.

In the hallway on the way to my office- What I can only guess is urine.  Lots of folks in wheelchairs roll over their catheter tubes, so that’s no big surprise at all.

Now, bandaids, puke, and urine, I can deal with- no problem.  These things happen.  What I really can’t deal with is almost stepping in mucus every foot or so!  Loogies in all forms are really the most vile thing in the world, second only to tobacco spit.  You can totally  control where that shit goes, unlike vomit.  SPIT INTO A GODDAMN NAPKIN!!!  This is compounded by the fact that shit like TB thrives in mucus.  I don’t want the consumption!  This isn’t 19th century England, for fuck’s sake!

It makes me want to grab the person that does it by the scruff of the neck, hold em down right next to it, and rub their nose in it all puppy-styley and say “See that?  THAT’S A NO!”

Attention loogie hawkers- you are gross.  Please don’t.  Thanks.