I Can Has Lobotomy?

OH. MY. GOD.

I just made the colossally stupid mistake of reading some comments on the I Can Has Cheeseburger lolcat website. I now want to poke myself in the eye with a pen repeatedly. These are full grown adults, from what I can tell, talking to eachother in babytalk, making fucking birthday cakes out of letters and numbers, and ganging up on people who post a comment that makes a lick of sense somehow- kind of like so:

Dude Who Makes Sense: Wow, that is a cute picture of that kitten eating a taco.

Spaz Who Has Every Other Comment on a Comment Board: Essczewze mee, dewd whoo maykes cents, we speek lolcat heere, k thnx bai.

Additional Spaz: Firsties!

Dude Who Makes Sense: Um, I don’t think lolcat is grammatically correct. I just came here to look at pictures of cats.

Spaz: There iz certen kode of konduckt fur lolcat chatroom.

Assistant to the Spaz: I luvs tacocat. Is tastee. Like taco.

And on and on for hundreds of comments.

Which leads me to ask: ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?

Oh, wait: You can has batshit insane?

Jesus.

I want that last 10 minutes of my life back.

Hot Buttered Sad!

Awwww, sucky.  Isaac Hayes died.  I am muy muy triste, dude.  What a bee-u-tiful voice. 

Between him and Bernie Mac, and to a lesser degree, my main man Morgan Freeman, the brothers of entertainment are in peril.

I will only say this once, God.  If you take away Samuel L, Billie Dee, or Mr. T, I will personally die, only to come up to Heaven and represent!  In my dearest of daydreams, if I am to pass on to my great reward at an early age, I want them to be at my funeral, tellin sucka chumps they better show some motherfuckin respect.  Oh, God, why?  First Barry, now Isaac?  Where are we to get our smoove grooves with which to lay down our mack? 

Seriously, I was listening to “Walk on By,” and it choked me up.

Mix Tape Friday # 4- Songs to Make Work Suck Less

 

I hate my job.

Here is a list of songs that helps me forget that.

1) Temptation- Jarvis Cocker and Beth Ditto: This is a Heaven 17 cover they did for a Rough Trade Records show.  I saw it on YouTube.  Goddamn genius!  I’d go gay for her for a second or two and he is probably one of the most animalistically sexy creatures ever whelped.  Sweet Christ, the hotness!  Actually, I’d rather BE Beth Ditto than DO Beth Ditto.  She’s a big girl who rocks being a big girl.  I really want to know where she shops.  She is so rock n roll.  Sorry, done now.

2) Violet- Hole: Is there ever a reason NOT to play Hole?  It’s sooo angry. Sometimes, I sit and think “Fuck this, I don’t wanna file.”  Then Hole comes on and I wanna douse everything in kerosene and toss a lit cigarette on it. Wait, that’s actually not very helpful, is it?  Nevermind.  Heh, see what I did right there?  Wait, is that okay, since he’s dead?

3) Pass the Hatchet, I Think I’m Goodkind- Yo La Tengo:  A Yo La Tengo CD at work is about as important as having one of those fire hatchets at work. When the shit goes down, you want something sharp.  This is it. Bonus for not having to punch through glass to get to it.

4) Friend of the Devil (Cover)- Ministry:  Dude, you can totally listen to Ministry at work without offending anyone AND you can hear a Grateful Dead song without having to skip through a waffly 17 minute version of Sugar Magnolia.  Everyone wins!

5) Earthquake Season- Beck:  This song just sounds like escape to me.  It makes me think of riding a bike in a nice breeze.  It’s breezy, like Covergirl. And blendy mojitos.

6) The Whisper Song- The Yin Yang Twins:  PSYCHE!

7) Teenage Riot- Sonic Youth:  It’s. So. Good.  There are few words that do it justice, so I won’t bother.  Goddamn, Daydream Nation rules ass.

Me, Myself and I- De La Soul:  Good for getting you out of the post-lunch funk.  I hate myself for saying that out loud. All I need is a coffee mug with my name on it to crack myself in the skull with.  It always makes me think of PacMan.  I am not sure why. It just seems like music that would make PacMan happy.

9) The Mariner’s Revenge Song- The Decemberists:  Yeah, I know I just used em earlier, but the song is funny, clever, and 10 minutes long.  You can put it on and say “Wow, I just killed 10 minutes listening to a story about a dude getting eaten by a whale and being reunited with his deadbeat stepfather inside it. “  Really great when you’re just getting ready to leave- throw it on, and that last 15 minutes is a historical fact.

10) Natural Man (Cover)- The Dirtbombs:  It’s originally a Lou Rawls song. They do the killer soul covers.  It’s a good “fuck the boss” kind of song: “My boss is guzzling champagne, and I’m nursing a beer in some dive.”  Again, Mick Collins is in my top 5 baby daddies.  I love him SO. HARD.  As a matter of fact, I love him so hard I love him hard the way the lead singer of the Crash Test Dummies says it in “Mmmm…” Harrrrrrrrrrrrrrd.  I think I would even make the mmmmm sound afterwards, only it would be sluttier.  I’d be trying to woo him, see?  He’d probably run in fear, after soiling himself.

11) Gold Dust Woman- Fleetwood Mac:  The Hole cover is great too.  I like the fantasy of it all, and the chorus rules and how she hits it at the end. Stevie Nicks is kinda badass…

12) Jo-Jo’s Jacket- Stephen Malkmus:  This song is so much fun!   Where else are you going to hear the lyrics “Perhaps you saw me in West World.  I acted like a robotic cowboy.  It was my best role, I cannot deny I felt right at home inside that electronic carcass!”?  It’s a fun sing along song.  It always puts me in a better mood. 

13) Tramp- Otis Redding / Carla Thomas:  Goddamnit, Otis Redding is about the coolest guy that ever lived.  This song is playful, funny, and funky.  God bless that brass section, man!  It makes you wiggle in your chair and chickenhead til the cows come home.  Wait, that’s a lot of barnyard analogies- he’s from Georgia, he’d understand.

14) She Don’t Tek No- Latyrx:  The baseline alone is reason enough to listen to this shit on repeat.  It’s totally one of those songs that I bet chicks wished were written about them.  It also has one of the best lines “All little children wanna sit in yo lap, girl I wanna do that myself.”  It’s hip hop that is work-safe, mostly devoid of references to guns, pussy, or selling coke.  I know, no fun, right?  But it is.  It’s kinda like going to a party with no booze and getting really jacked up on coffee and giggling too much. 

15) Jeepster- T Rex:  When you need some good glammy times, but Bowie won’t scratch it quite.  It’s just enough rock to satisfy a rock craving, but not so rock that your co-workers get all sweaty about it.  It’s kinda like a Payday bar.  It covers a lot of cravings.  The panting at the end is a little odd.  Forgot about that.

16) Son of a Preacher Man- Dusty Springfield:  I don’t think I have ever encountered a person who said “Man, this song sucks ass!”  I would probably punch that person in the rectum.  It’s good for dads, grads, and gettin rid of the sads.  What the FUCK am I talking about?  I don’t even know. I just meant it’s very accessible by both the proliteriate and the bourgeoise.  Oh, boy, do I need to shut up.  

17) A Postcard to Nina- Jens Lekman:  Oh, Jens.  You rule so hard, you strange, gangly Swede!  Who else could make a song about being in love with a lesbian so sweet? I love that he has an odd obsession with Rocky Dennis from the Mask Movie and Streets of Fire.  It’s good to have a kooky kindred spirit in the world.

18) Science- Paul Weller:  I love this fucking song.  It’s simple, I love the lyrics, and I love the intimacy in the way he sings it live.  Favorite line- ”Got pen in my pocket, don’t make me a writer.  Standing on a roof don’t make you much higher.  Puttin on gloves don’t make you a fighter.  Studying the world don’t make it science.” It’s one of those that co-workers say “What is this? It’s nice…”

19) Tell It Like It Is- Aaron Neville:  Can’t go wrong with a Neville!  This one is a good hairbrush song (well, highligter song if you’re jammin at the office).

20) Happiness is a Warm Gun- The Beatles:  The Beatles is something most everyone can agree on.  Kinda like “War/poverty is bad.”  But it’s weird.  You can have your freaky cake and eat it too.  Eat the freaky cake, Tina.

So, that’s what keeps me from stabbing passers by with an envelope opener most days…

Mixtape Friday #3- Songs of Twitterpation

This week, it seems like everyone I know is all crush-ey on someone, or is having difficulty getting to spend time with their object of affection (work, finals, etc…). So, I guess this week’s mixtape will be songs to make one feel all lovey. Like a dovey. Not pushy and shovey. Not like David Duchovny. What?

1) Paul Weller- You Do Something To Me: It’s a really good jam. Heh. See what I did there? Because…he’s…the…lead…singer…of….the….Jam…. Hey, look over there!

2) Radiohead- There There: This is a really great crush song. Really, the lyrics “Just cos you feel it doesn’t mean it’s there,” kinda say it all, now don’t they? Great song for someone that is way out of your league. Like 999,999 of my babydaddies.

3) The Beatles- I Want You So Bad: C’mon, this should be self explanatory. The gee-tar in this one is super dope. Actually, I realized after listening to it again, that Motley Crue uses that one part at the end, with the guitar and the “she’s so heaaaavaaaaaaay…” at the end of a song called “Slice of Your Pie.” It’s off Dr. Feelgood. I listened to that album WAY too much for my own good in junior high, and had a huge crush on Nikki 6. Gross.

4) Black Star (Mos Def and Talib Kweli)- Brown Skinned Lady: This is one that would have been good on the mega happy mix too. It’s a good summer jam, all playful and sexy- like Mos Def. (One of my babydaddies). I love the line “Got my imagination flickerin like hot flames. Its how it seems, you make me wanna ride the Coltrane to a Love Supreme.” They are both incredibly clever lyricists and this is one of those songs where it really shows.

5) Captain Beefheart- Her Eyes Are a Blue Million Miles: Second to “Time of the Season” by the Zombies, this is one of the sexiest songs I’ve ever heard. If this doesn’t re-kindle a lil somethin for the paired, or inspire you to throw your mack down if not, then you need to listen to it again, and know you’re fucking dead wrong and stupid.

6) Chromeo- Bonafied Lovin: The video to this is ART! The lyrics are goofy, it’s electroey and blippy and it’s just a cute little song. I just like the idea that part of the chorus is “I’ll give you bonafide lovin…” Okaaaaay.

7) Clem Snide- All Green: Clem Snide is one of the cutest bands ever. They make nice little songs about nice little things, and the lead singer’s name is Eef Barzelay. Eef! That’s a great name. I found out about these guys on Bruce McCullough’s website (not in a stalky way- he was doing live shows in San Francisco, I’m really not that kind of creepy superfan), and would have to agree that they are fabulous (Bruce McCullough likes Missy Elliot!- Funny, no?). Has one of the most romantic lines in a song ever “So feed me a kiss, chapped lips and all And I’ll bring back the tape, of an empire’s fall.” And when you hear Eef’s (God, I love that) voice singing it, it’s even sweeter. Jesus.

D’Angelo- Untitled (How Does It Feel?)- Don’t even get me started on that video. Sweet mother of Christ, D’ Angelo is/was a good lookin brotha. Acutally, I wish they would have panned up like an inch or two though- he has really deep “gutters,” and they made him look oddly segmented (I heard that term on Nip/Tuck and it was acutally “cum gutters,” but that seems really vulgar). ANYways…It is a really romantic song. It’s fuckin diiiiiiiiiirty… Daaaaaaaang. I think one of the cleanest lines in it was “Cause I wanna take the walls down with you. If u want me to baby. (Only if u want me to)” Yeah, dude. He would break you off that hard.

9) Depeche Mode- I Feel You: I freakin love this song. The music is all slinky and strippery, and the lyrics are so so pretty. Oh, Dave Gahan, you have a lovely voice. He fuckin belts it out on this one. I j ust like its simplicity. Just a plain, simple declaration of adoration. God, that was trite. That sounds like a girl group’s debut album title, like “Kitten Patrol presents “A Declaration of Adoration”, featuring the number one track “Lollypop Boy (Wanna Likk You)” What was I talking about? Oh, fuck it. Never mind.

10) The Dirtbombs- Ever Lovin Man: The Dirtbombs are probably my favorite band ever. Mick Collins is in the top 3 of my babydaddies. This is the greatest crush song I have ever heard, with one of the best lines ever: “And when I say it out loud, I look like a schlemiel, but I gotta do it anyway, tell you how I feel.” Fuck yes! Only Mick Collins can get away with something like that and still rock your fucking socks off.

11) The Foo Fighters- Everlong: The sentiments in this song are super sweet, but it’s pretty rockin. The chous is really the best part- it’s a great singing in the car song… “And I wonder, when I sing along with you if everything could ever feel this real forever. If anything could ever be this good again. The only thing I’ll ever ask of you. You’ve got to promise not to stop when I say when.” The video is based on Evil Dead. The Foo Fighters are one of those bands I like better in theory than I do in real life. It bums me out to hear Dave Grohl is such a dick. That’s too bad. It seems like maybe he has a fun sense of humor.

12) Le Tigre- Eau D’ Bedroom Dancing: I am normally not crazy about Riot Grrrl stuff, but these ladies rule like the Queen of England. This song is rock-n-roll, but there’s something girly and flirty about it, without being outright slutty or bubblegummy. Cute lyrics too- “I’m in the sky when I’m on the floor. The world a mess and yr my only cure. There’s no time for me to act mature. The only words i know are “more” “more” and “more” I don’t understand why Riot Grrls insist on making weird little contractions, but whatevs.

13) Keith Sweat- I Want Her: Dude, needed to throw in a lil somepin from jr. high. This is one of those sing at the top of your lungs in the shower jams. Hell yeah.

14) Madonna- Burning Up: And a little something from elementary school too, apparently. Hey, look, something back from when Madonna didn’t suck. It’s a great unrequited love / lust song. “I put myself in this position. And I deserve the imposition. But you don’t even know I’m alive. And this pounding in my heart just won’t die. I’m burnin up.” Excellent hairbrush/vogueing in mirror song, if I remember being 8 well enough, or last weekend.

15) New York Dolls- Lookin for a Kiss: God bless these boys. I love this song so hard. So. Hard. What other song mixes heroin and making out in such a fun way?

16) Oasis- She’s Electric: This is probably one of the cutest songs ever. Noel and Liam Gallagher would probably neck punch someone for saying that. The music is all sway-ey, and the lyrics are sweet. Another good car song.

17) Of Montreal- Faberge Falls For Shuggie: These guys aren’t for everyone. They’re a little electro hippie. That said, they make great music. This is one of the best jams on “Hissing Fauna.” The lyrics are even trippy- “Be careful how you touch me. My body is an earthquake ready to receive. You mind’s making glaciers metals for my soldiers. Let’s be like strangers touching for the first time.” It’s sexy, and funky, and humid, like the band itself- like you can practically feel them sweating while you listen to it.

18) The Pixies- Gigantic: This song makes me think of kissing in the rain, for some reason.

19) Prince- I Would Die 4 U: This should require no explaination. The lyrics “You’re just a sinner I am told. Be your fire when you’re cold. Make u happy when you’re sad. Make u good when u are bad.” C’mon!

20) Pulp- F.e.e.l.i.n.g C.a.l.l.e.d L.o.v.e: Oh, my beloved Jarvis. Oh, the babies we would have. Oh, my uterine prolapse that would evenutally occur, when I could no longer birth them. My GOD the lyrics- “So what do I do? I’ve got a slightly sick feeling in my stomach. Like I’m standing on top of a very high building oh yeah. All the stuff they tell you about in the movies but this isn’t chocolate boxes and roses. It’s dirtier than that, like some small animal that only comes out at night.” If that isn’t panty peeler, I don’t know what the fuck is. But, really, the chorus is great- “It doesn’t make no sense no. It’s not convenient no. It doesn’t fit my plans but I got that taste in my mouth again oh.” Brilliant!

So, there you have it, young rock n rollers- now go love on your lovey, or throw your mack down.
I’m talkin square biz to you, babies.