That’s My New Band Name IV- This Time, It’s Bandier!

Baby Huffer (I’m gonna guess electronica)

Moth Fart Webcam (Experimental, arthouse)

Hipster Dad (Pop-punk)

The Itsy Bitsy Spider- NO WAIT, THAT THING IS EATING A BIRD!

I am NEVER going to Austraila. 

LOOK AT THIS THING.  IT IS FUCKING REAL.  IT IS CALLED A GOLDEN ORB SPIDER.  IT IS EATING A GODDAMN BIRD. 

If I saw this, I would poop my pants and run away in tears. 

I am not lying.

He Was Lookin Pretty Dumb With His Turkeyneck Thumb in the Shape of an L on His Forehead…

Okay, I’m done.  I promise.

The Turkey is a Funny Bird. His Head Goes Wobble, Wobble. The Only Sound That He Can Make is Gobble, Gobble, Gobble.

Okay, I’m sorry.  I’m a little obsessed.

Where is Thumbkin? Where is Thumbkin? There it is! Man That’s Weird! Man That’s Weird!

My friends (the -ch at the end is silent, like the k sound in knife), John McCain has freaky thumbs!

I don’t think I can, in good conscience, vote for a man with freaky thumbs, freaky thumbs that obviously itch to hit the big red button in the Oval Office.  Maybe they work of their own accord, separate from the rest of his body.  Maybe they’re possessed!  I don’t want to find out.  They look like a raw turkey neck.  I wonder if he were to get treatment for carpal tunnel and his surgeon cut into that sucker if they’d find a giblet bag.

Also, I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, I can’t vote for anyone whose head looks like an uncircumsized penis.  The guy is a dick in every sense of the world.  The only way he could be a bigger one is if his name was Richard John Thomas Wang McCain.

Shout Out to My Boy Dave

HEY, LOOK!  I ACTUALLY WROTE SOME SHIT!

Dude, You Don’t Wanna Hear This Guy Do 50 Cent…

 

I have no idea why this picture makes me laugh every time I see it- but it does.  This is what I happened to think he was saying today.

An Open Letter to the Wolf Spiders of King County

Dear Wolf Spiders of King County:

We need to talk.  I am assuming that because you lay eggs that your parents never gave you the…”birds and the bees” talk.  Think of me as a 2-legged version of your negligent parents for a moment whilst I attempt to explain things to you. 

Oh, where to begin…

So, there’s a time and place for everything.  You don’t eat when it’s time to sleep, you don’t make a web when it’s time to do whatever else it is you do, right?  With me so far?  You don’t make your web in a fan, or off a moving bus, right?  Good.  So we have that established.  Wait, you don’t make webs.  Whatever- where was I?  Time and place.  So, the same rule applies for BEING EVERYWHERE IN THE GODDAMN WORLD IN SEATTLE IN OCTOBER.

You guys are stressing me the fuck out.  Please stop doing it.  STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP IT!  You’re large, and terrifying, and you like to hide.  Stay out of my shoes, coat pockets, trashcans, litter boxes, and cupboards.  These are not acceptable homes for you.  Nothing you eat lives in my shoe.  Your behavior is HIGHLY inappropriate. 

Please, stop terrorizing me and my roomate.  Stop terrorizing my cat, who is, thankfully for you, a terrible hunter.  Don’t you want to be outside with sexy lady wolf spiders?  Llllllladies.  Hey, ladies.  You know what they say about the size of a dude’s spinnerettes, right?  Good, GO OUTSIDE.  GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE. 

If you persist in your arachnidal activities, I shall be forced to smash you with the first thing I find WITHOUT wishing you a better next life.  Comprendez-vous?  Capishe?  Entiendes?  Excellent. 

God Bless You and Keep You (Out of My Fucking House)-

Spinster Peeved In Domicile Entering Rainyseason (SPIDER)

Mix Tape Friday # 5- Songs That I Can’t Stand!

There is a running list in most audiophiles’ heads of songs that would be playing for them in hell.  Most all of these are on the “Do not play at my wedding, funeral, insert major life changing event here list.”

1) Tom Sawyer- Rush:  This song plays on a loop for me in hell.  Fuck you, Geddy Lee.  Right in your ass.  With a prog rock orchestral fantastical concept of a giant dinousaur wearing the Seven dildo.  For reals.

Thing I would rather listen to:  Geddy Lee getting fucked by a dinosaur wearing the Seven dildo.  I would prefer it to be an anklyosaur, so he could smack him in the head with his spiked tail afterwards.

2) Celebrate- Kool and the Gang:  I don’t wanna hear it.  Ever.  It is a bad song.  I love that type of dancy good time music too, but this is not a good jam. 

Thing I’d rather listen to:  A car alarm parked next to my head as I slept.

3) YMCA- The Village People:  I know.  As a fag hag, I should love this shit and be the first one at every wedding to lead it.  I hate that there is a dance, that it is overplayed, and really, it’s not that great a song.  Macho Man is much better.  This song makes me think of required particpation at formal dances from overcaffinated friends getting right in my face and trying to make me do it.  That always pissed me off, so maybe I’m actually resentful of forced particpation.  By the way, just because I don’t want to dance to this stupid fucking song doesn’t make me a party pooper.  It just means I don’t like sucky music.

Thing I’d rather listen to:  A dog barking all night in my yard.

4) Wooly Bully- Sam the Sham and the Pharohs:  God, I hate this song.  It’s always super loud, and that dude’s voice is really intense.  It’s like a giant drillbit.  In your ear.  Plus, the word combo of Wooly Bully annoys me.

Thing I’d rather listen to:  A drillbit.

5) Hey Ya!- Outkast:  Yes, of course, I love Outkast in general, but MY GOD, if I never hear this song again, may I never speak ill of Avril Lavigne again or some promise I will never be able to keep.  I really DON’T get the big deal over this one.  Overplayed, uninteresting, blah, blah, blah. 

Thing I’d rather listen to:  Someone shaking a Polaroid picture.

6)  We Are Family- Sister Sledge:  See previous comment about forced participation.

Thing I’d rather listen to:  A sledge hammer smashing something.

7) I’m Alright- Kenny Loggins:  GAH!  That’s all I can say. 

Thing I’d rather listen to:  Vomiting

Avril Lavigne- Boyfriend:  Eww.  I have posted about this song before. 

Thing I’d rather listen to:  Pretty much any other song in the WORLD.

9) Gwen Stefani- Hollaback Girl:  I have posted about this one too.  Trying to keep my blood pressure down.  She gives me rage epilepsy, all Othello styley.

Thing I’d rather listen to:  Sebastian Bach from Skid Row covering it.  That shit was on the Gilmore Girls and it was fucking hilarious.

10) Zombie- The Cranberries:  That voice.  Egads.  There is so much going wrong in that song that it makes me feel all confused and freaked out, as if I were being chased by a zombie-eh-eh-eh-ah-oow-oww-oww-oww…  I think if zombies played this if they were trying to eat me, I’d probably just present my head, biting down on an apple, like the piggie I am, to make it fucking stop.

Thing I’d rather listen to:  A zombie eating my piggie head.

11) Let’s Get Retarded / Let’s Get it Started- The Black Eyed Peas:  I feel like it’s cheating to say I hate their entire catalogue, which I do, so I picked a particularily offensive one.  I despise both versions.  One is incredibly offensive, and is referential to people who can’t even defend themselves, and the other is a lame cop-out, which real rock stars don’t do.  If someone doesn’t like your song, fuck em!  Don’t water it down and make it even worse!  Have some creative autonomy for fuck’s sake. 

Thing I would rather listen to:  Black eyed peas.  At least they don’t have a song called “My Humps.”

12) Getting Jiggy With It / Miami- WIll Smith:  He needs to stop rapping.  Forever.  His songs get BEATEN TO DEATH, everywhere, all the time.  He makes me want to put my hand in an automatic stapler.  If I had a nutsack, I’d put that in there too, anything to save me from thinking about what a horse’s ass he is.  His lyrics are incipid and uninspired, his hooks are catchy like VD, and they’re not good.  The Will 2K one really offends me, because he uses the hook from the Clash’s “Rock the Casbah.”  I hope the ghost of Joe Strummer haunts him and does think like hocking loogies in his ham sandwiches while he’s not looking.

Thing I’d rather listen to:  Joe Strummer hocking a loogie into a ham sandwich.

13) I Don’t Wanna Wait- Paula Cole:  It was a close race between this and “Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?” but this one wins.  Her voice sounds a little like one of those rusty pumps that you get water from when you go camping.  No me gusta musica adulta contemporaria.  Es muy mal.  See, I got so bored just thinking about it, I had to bust out a little Spanish to wake my brain up.

Thing I’d rather listen to:  One of those Univision telenovela muchachoes singing it.

14) I Want You- Savage Garden:  I’ll admit, I don’t really have an entirely valid reason for disliking this song as much as I do.  I think it has something to do with the super lame lyrics.  Por ejemplo:

Anytime I need to see your face
I just close my eyes
And I am taken to a place where
Your crystal mind and
Magenta feelings take up shelter
In the base of my spine
Sweet like a chic a cherry cola

The “chic a cherry cola” really bugs.  I also think Savage Garden is a lame name for a band.

Thing I would rather listen to:  Man, I don’t even know.  I just know this song is bad.

15)  One Week- Barenaked Ladies:  Eek.  God, this is a lame song.   The chica cherry cola make me think of chikkedy China, the Chinese chicken, and it pissed me off.

Thing I would rather listen to:  A Chinese chicken drinking a cherry cola.

16)  Katie Perry-  I Kissed A Girl:  Wasn’t that interesting when Jill Sobule did it, is less interesting now.  You are a boring girl, Katie Perry, and kissing girls is probably the only way you can get attention.  I am sick of seeing your big stupid face all over everything with your contrived, uninspired 40s fashions.

Thing I would rather listen to:  Real diesel dykes making out.  In matching flannels with cutoff sleeves.

17)  Photograph- Nickelback:  I so don’t even care about the song I picked.  I hate them all.  See previous sentiment for the Black Eyed Peas.  I want to hang Chad Kroger by his nasty, stringy blond hair.  God, all of their stuff sounds the exact same, but people eat it the fuck up!  Whhhhhhyyyyyyy?  I want to do the ultimate Shakespearian insult to him- walk right up to him, pull out some of his lame beard hair, and blow it in his lame face.  His mediocrity makes me angry.  Mary SMASH!

Thing I’d rather listen to:  Chad Kroger choking on his own nasty hair.

18) The Reason- Hoobastank:  First off, let’s talk about the lameness of the name.  How much do you wanna BET those clowns were sitting around smoking dope and that was what they came up with?  “Heh, guys!  “HOObastank!…HoobaSTANK…HooBAstank…Bwahahahahahha” God.  It’s milquetoast, trite, and LAME.

Thing I’d rather listen to:  Clowns smoking dope.

19)  So What?- Pink:  I kinda want to like her.  She seems like a straight shooter.  She seems like a decent human being, if a teeny bit douchey, but then I hear her music.  God, why does every ONE of her songs sound like a journal entry from when she was 12?  Yes, yes, you can write your own lyrics- that’s swell, but, much like Mariah Carey, just because you can hit 8 octaves doesn’t mean you SHOULD.

Thing I’d rather listen to:  A 12-year-old reading her diary.

20)  Bring Me Back To Life- Evanessence:  Ew, ew, ew.  Five words for you Amy- Siouxie Sioux did it better.

Thing I’d rather listen to:  Sioxie Sioux