Dude, I just came up with the best product EVER. Ready? No, you’re not. I’m not fuckin with you. You need to be ready…
Ok? Now?
Two Words:
Chatty Jesus.
You could pull a string, and he’d be all “Hi! My name is Jesus! I died for your sins! Let’s play!”
I am gonna be so rich.
I am NEVER going to Austraila.
LOOK AT THIS THING. IT IS FUCKING REAL. IT IS CALLED A GOLDEN ORB SPIDER. IT IS EATING A GODDAMN BIRD.
If I saw this, I would poop my pants and run away in tears.
I am not lying.
Okay, I’m done. I promise.
Okay, I’m sorry. I’m a little obsessed.
My friends (the -ch at the end is silent, like the k sound in knife), John McCain has freaky thumbs!
I don’t think I can, in good conscience, vote for a man with freaky thumbs, freaky thumbs that obviously itch to hit the big red button in the Oval Office. Maybe they work of their own accord, separate from the rest of his body. Maybe they’re possessed! I don’t want to find out. They look like a raw turkey neck. I wonder if he were to get treatment for carpal tunnel and his surgeon cut into that sucker if they’d find a giblet bag.
Also, I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, I can’t vote for anyone whose head looks like an uncircumsized penis. The guy is a dick in every sense of the world. The only way he could be a bigger one is if his name was Richard John Thomas Wang McCain.
Dear Wolf Spiders of King County:
We need to talk. I am assuming that because you lay eggs that your parents never gave you the…”birds and the bees” talk. Think of me as a 2-legged version of your negligent parents for a moment whilst I attempt to explain things to you.
Oh, where to begin…
So, there’s a time and place for everything. You don’t eat when it’s time to sleep, you don’t make a web when it’s time to do whatever else it is you do, right? With me so far? You don’t make your web in a fan, or off a moving bus, right? Good. So we have that established. Wait, you don’t make webs. Whatever- where was I? Time and place. So, the same rule applies for BEING EVERYWHERE IN THE GODDAMN WORLD IN SEATTLE IN OCTOBER.
You guys are stressing me the fuck out. Please stop doing it. STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP IT! You’re large, and terrifying, and you like to hide. Stay out of my shoes, coat pockets, trashcans, litter boxes, and cupboards. These are not acceptable homes for you. Nothing you eat lives in my shoe. Your behavior is HIGHLY inappropriate.
Please, stop terrorizing me and my roomate. Stop terrorizing my cat, who is, thankfully for you, a terrible hunter. Don’t you want to be outside with sexy lady wolf spiders? Llllllladies. Hey, ladies. You know what they say about the size of a dude’s spinnerettes, right? Good, GO OUTSIDE. GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE.
If you persist in your arachnidal activities, I shall be forced to smash you with the first thing I find WITHOUT wishing you a better next life. Comprendez-vous? Capishe? Entiendes? Excellent.
God Bless You and Keep You (Out of My Fucking House)-
Spinster Peeved In Domicile Entering Rainyseason (SPIDER)
Awwww, sucky. Isaac Hayes died. I am muy muy triste, dude. What a bee-u-tiful voice.
Between him and Bernie Mac, and to a lesser degree, my main man Morgan Freeman, the brothers of entertainment are in peril.
I will only say this once, God. If you take away Samuel L, Billie Dee, or Mr. T, I will personally die, only to come up to Heaven and represent! In my dearest of daydreams, if I am to pass on to my great reward at an early age, I want them to be at my funeral, tellin sucka chumps they better show some motherfuckin respect. Oh, God, why? First Barry, now Isaac? Where are we to get our smoove grooves with which to lay down our mack?
Seriously, I was listening to “Walk on By,” and it choked me up.
Cutest. Thing. Ever.
Owls are super cute.
I remember as a kid we used to go to the zoo all the freakin time with my uncles and in the Alaskan Animals section (we lived in Anchorage), there was a Snowy Owl and a Great Horned Owl. For some reason or another, I always thought it said “Great Honored Owl,” and I thought “Well, he IS pretty cool looking…And I guess he should be honored because he’s so wise…”
So, there you go. A stupid anectdote for you to go “Awww,” over.
I still really love the petting zoo. I think it’s my favorite part of the whole zoo experience. Yeah, sure, you can probably go pet a goat for free somewhere, I’m sure, but they always seem so fucking happy to see everyone. Who doesn’t love happy animals? Only sick bastards, that’s whooooooo. See what I did there? That’s called confluence, kids.
Because Dr. Phil is the 4th fucking Horseman of the Apocolypse.
Seriously, what the FUCK is this guy’s problem? What kind of sick horse’s ass do you have to bail a girl out of jail who beat another girl so hard that her hearing and sight are damaged?
If he had any sense of what’s right and wrong, he’d have paid the other girl’s medical bills and let that little twat to rot in jail where she belongs. There is no reason imaginable for that brutal of a beating, short of your own life being threatened.
It is more than obvious to even the most simple of simpletons that he is gonna put her on his show and do his blowhard hard talk bullshit for ratings. Meanwhile, this other girl will most likely have some serious ass anxiety in addition to her physical pain.
Fuck that clown. I hope they yank him off the air and someone gives him as vicious a beatdown. As a matter of fact, they outta hire some folks from Jenny Jone’s or Ricki Lake’s old studio audiences.
Taste the fists, motherfucker!
Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
Yeah, um, to that chick in the front, girl you need to ditch that zero and get yourself a hero! Beeep! Beeeep! Beeeeeep!
…Cue crickets…
Wait…what was I talking about?
Right, the end of civilization. Is it just me, or does anyone get the sneaking sensation that we as a society are becoming more Lord of the Flies all the time?
Ooh, sucky. I’m a porky porky fatass who is kind of a weenie and tries to keep peace and wears glasses. I am SO hosed. I better start wearing a helmet.
So, because I am a huge dork, for the past almost 8 years or so I have been receiving newsletters from the Infectious Disease department at the CDC, as well as the Morbidity and Mortality Report that comes once a week. Basically, they all discuss what’s happening with disease, injuries, and illnesses in the United States. Lots of them are really interesting, like how many women between 18-39 get abortions per year, or the most recent outbreak of Hantavirus and things like that. Sometimes, they’re kind of stupid and make you ask yourself- did the Center for Disease Control actually pay scientists money for this study?
For example, here is the title of the one from this morning:
Nonoccupational Logging Fatalities — Vermont, 1997–2007
Now, here’s a question for them presented in the scientific method we all know so well from science fair projects.
Question: Does anyone give a rat’s ass about less than 100 people that were crushed by trees in Vermont, despite the fact that they are not professional loggers?
Hypothesis: I suspect that no one gives a rat’s ass, save for the family members of the people trimming trees, etc. It’s probably pretty sad for them.
Experiment/Data Collection: I just asked a co-worker if she would say that a study of this nature has any kind of scientifc relevance. She said, “Probably not, why do you ask?” She also appears to not be very interested in the subject.
Conclusion: My sample population did not give a rat’s ass. I think these results can be extrapolated to many populations not interested in the dangers of chopping trees without being a professional in the timber industry and non-residents of Vermont during 1997-2007.
Report Results: So, there you have it.
