Incipid Lyrics Friday- An IQ Test From Kriss Kross

I was listening to Kriss Kross’ perennial hit “Jump, Jump” the other day and it occurred to me- they are obviously MENSA member rappers, trying to keep us smart folks on our toes.  Check it out:

Jump Jump
You should know, you should know that ahhh
Kris Kross is not having anything today
As we stand there totally krossed out
We commence to make you

Jump Jump
The Mac Dad will make you Jump Jump
The Daddy Mac will make you Jump Jump
Kris Kross will make you Jump Jump

Don’t try to compare us to another bad little fad
I’m the Mac and I’m bad give you something that you never had
I’ll make ya Jump Jump wiggle and shake your rump
Cause I’ll be kicking the flavor that makes you wanna Jump
How high? Real high
Cause I’m just so fly
A young loveable, huggable type of guy
And everything is the back with a little slack
And inside-out is wiggida wiggida wack
I come stompin’ with somethi’ to keep you jumpin’
R&B abd bullcrap is what I’m dumpin’
And ain’t something about Kris Kross we all that
So when they ask to the rocks they believe that

Jump Jump
The Mac Dad will make you Jump Jump
The Daddy Mac will make you Jump Jump
Kris Kross will make you Jump Jump
uh huh uh huh
Jump Jump
The Mac Dad will make you Jump Jump
The Daddy Mac will make you Jump Jump
Kris Kross will make you Jump Jump

I let myself knockin’ knockin’
I love it when a girl is play jockin’ jockin’
The D-A-double D-Y-M-A-C
Ya you know me
I got you jumpin’ an’ pumpin’ an’ movin’ all around G
In the mix I make ya take a step back
They try to step to the Mac then they got jacked
To the back you’ll be sportin’ the gear that’s coincidental
And like you knowit so don’t be claiming that it’s mental

Two lil’ kids with a flow you ain’t ever heard
And none faking you can understand every word
As you listen to my cool school melody
The Daddy makes you J-U-M-P

Jump Jump
The Mac Dad will make you Jump Jump
The Daddy Mac will make you Jump Jump
Kris Kross will make you Jump Jump
uh huh uh huh
Jump Jump
The Mac Dad will make you Jump Jump
The Daddy Mac will make you Jump Jump
Kris Kross will make you Jump Jump

Now, the formalities of this and that
Is that Kris Kross ain’t comin’ off wack
And for all ya’ll sucks that don’t know
Check it out

Some of them try to rhyme but they can’t rhyme like this Go Go
Some of them try to rhyme but they can’t rhyme like this Go Go
Some of them try to rhyme but they can’t rhyme like this Go Go
Some of them try to rhyme but they can’t Go Go
Cause I’m the miggida miggida miggida Mac Daddy
Miggida miggida miggida Mac
Cause I’m the miggida miggida miggida Mac Daddy

I make you wanna
Jump Jump
The Mac Dad will make you Jump Jump
The Daddy Mac will make you Jump Jump
Kris Kross will make you Jump Jump
uh huh uh huh (repeat 3 more times)
Believe dat

So, basically, they posit a very interesting query, one such as an individual might find on an IQ test:

Question:  If all mack daddies are daddie macks, and all mack daddies make people jump (jump), do daddie macks make people jump (jump)?

Answer:  Uh huh, uh huh!

Incipid Lyrics Friday

Today’s Song: “Do Yo Chain Hang Low?” by Young Jibbs

So, I don’t know why, but this song cracks me the fuck up.

Really, nothing more needs be said. 

It’s the kind of song that makes you cock your head like a dog and go ”Whaaaaaaaaa?” 

Seriously, read on, and weep for the future of hip-hop.  Do yo chain hang low,
Do it wobble to da flo,
Do it shine in da light,
Iz it platinum, iz it gold?
Could you throw it ova ya shoulda, Why would you want to?  No one could see it- that’s the whole point!
If you hot it make you cold, Huh?  Is it because it’s “ice?” Or made of metal?  Help a bitch out!
Do ya chain hang low?

Iz that yo chain?
Bout 24 inches
Iz how low I let it hang,
Hop out the ride and let the diamonds
Smoke off the range, The stove top?  Where the deer and the antelope play? Oh! I got it!  Range ROVER!
Just bought a chain,
You can tell a big kid – Like a fat kid, or a tall kid, or a kid with a lot of money? 
Do his thang, - What?  Play jacks?  Scotch tape his nose to look like a pig?  
You kno the name

Iz that yo chain?
Bout 24 inches
Iz how low I let it hang,
Hop out the ride and let the diamonds
Smoke off the range,
Just bought a chain,
You can tell a big kid
Do his thang,
I’m off the chain

Yea yea yea yeeeaah..
I’m hot *****
Chain so low,
You would think diamonds never stop it, Shouldn’t they make it hang even lower?
And it’s funny cuz you could never stop it,
A bunch of rocks on my hand,
And I ain’t even on the block yet,
Chrome white gold sorta
Golden like my Tims,
And my chain hang 24 inches like the rims,
Diamonds all blown up,
Sorta like a pimp,
So when the light hit the ice,
It start glissin off the tims (Off the tims)

My chain hang,
All it do iz blang blang,
Half blue, half red,
Like my diamonds gang bang - Wait, isn’t it poor form to have red and blue together if you’re bangin?
And I don’t even thank
That we even on the same page – You are correct, sir.
Charms so heavy
They couldn’t lift it
Till the crane came - I hope you’re ballin hard enough to afford a good chiropractor.

Do yo chain hang low,
Do it wobble to da flo,
Do it shine in da light,
Iz it platinum, iz it gold?
Could you throw it ova ya shoulda,
If you hot it make you cold,
Do ya chain hang low?

Do yo chain hang low,
Do it wobble to da flo,
Do it shine in da light,
Iz it platinum, iz it gold?
Could you throw it ova ya shoulda,
If you hot it make you cold,
Do ya chain hang low?

(Chain) Yea yea yea yeeeeaa
I’m so icy (Do yo chain?)
Charms so heavy
That my neck don’t like me (Do yo chain?) - Ha!  That’s actually kind of awesome!
And no no no itz not a game (Do yo chain?)
The size ???????????????????? (Do, do, do, do, do, do yo chain?)
(It’s nothin!) Diamonds iz nothing to me (Do yo chain?)
Especially when I’m dressin up,
Itz justa button to me (Bling!) (Could you throw it ova ya shoulda?)
And not to mention my teeth – Whaaaaaa?
Cuz dey color coordinate, Woah, dude.  There is such a thing as being too matchy matchy.
Complimenting the teeth (All rite) Hey, inscisor, you’re looking very pointy today, man. 
So check out my swag,
Diamondz red white and blue,
Like the american flag, (The boy so colorful!) (Do yo chain?)
And see I got that nice green,
My money I spend on jewels,
I call it my ice cream, (Chain, Chain, Chain)
My music give you a black eye, Only because I want to punch myself in it.
Cuz of the beating,
They think I am a mutant,
They way a boy is beasting, (Chain, Chain, Chain) - I love the idea of beasting as a verb!
You would call it cheating, Whaaaaaa?
The boys always around,
Like it’s a meeting

Iz that yo chain? (Do yo chain?)
Bout 24 inches
Iz how low I let it hang, (Do yo chain?)
Hop out the ride and let the diamonds
Smoke off the range, (Do yo chain?)
Just bought a chain,
You can tell a big kid
Do his thang, (Do yo chain?)
You kno the name
( Do, do, do, do, do, do yo chain?)
Iz that yo chain?
Bout 24 inches
Iz how low I let it hang, (Do yo chain?)
Hop out the ride and let the diamonds
Smoke off the range, (Do yo chain?)
Just bought a chain,
You can tell a big kid
Do his thang, (Do yo chain?)
I’m off the chain

Do, do, do, do, do, do
Do yo chain hang low,
Do it wobble to da flo,
Do it shine in da light,
Iz it platinum, iz it gold?
Could you throw it ova ya shoulda,
If you hot it make you cold,
Do ya chain hang low?

Do yo chain hang low,
Do it wobble to da flo,
Do it shine in da light,
Iz it platinum, iz it gold?
Could you throw it ova ya shoulda,
If you hot it make you cold,
Do ya chain hang low?
i didnt write this
some other guy did – I certainly hope so! I wouldn’t want to claim you did if I were you…

Incipid Lyrics Friday

So, my hatred of Avril Lavigne is well-documented somewhere in the ether- she sucks.  She has no fashion sense.  She really needs to ease up off the eyeliner.  She looks like an opossum who shops at Hot Topic.  Yes, yes, I know I’ve said it all before.  She sucks.  A lot. 

What really offends me, deep in my soul is the fact that she can sell MILLIONS of albums, claim to be “punk,” and not know who David Bowie is.  She “writes” her own stuff apparently- though there are some who would argue she’s stolen their stuff.  Why would you want to lay claim to something like this week’s crap pile, “Girlfriend?”  Here’s the other thing- IT’S NOT A FUCKING SONG!  She has, apparently, decided to follow in the repulsive, leopard printed path of Gwen Stefani and get paid millions of dollars to write CHEERS! 

That shit makes me bananas (b-a-n-a-n-a-s)!

There are so many people I would rather give my money to to make GOOD music, like, oh, I dunno, the 2 cats humping in my yard, or that homeless guy that hums the theme from Hawii 5-0 all day every day.  The fact that she lives in a mansion for this shit makes me sad.  It makes me question the justice of the universe.  It makes my soul hurt.  No me gusta. 

Anyways- I think it really speaks for itself.  No additional commentary is really necessary, but that’s not how I roll.

 Today’s Feature- Girlfriend by Avril Lavigne

Hey Hey You You
I don’t like your girlfriend
No way No way
I think you need a new one
Hey Hey You You
I can be your girlfriendHey Hey You You
I know that you like me
No way No way
No, it’s not a secret
Hey Hey You You
I want to be your girlfriend

You’re so fine
I want you mine
You’re so delicious
I think about you all the time
You’re so addictive
Don’t you know what I can do to make you feel all right?

Don’t pretend
I think you know
I’m damn precious - If precious means contrived and trite, sure.
And, hell yeah,
I’m the mother fucking princess
I can tell you like me too
And you know I’m right

She’s like so whatever – Brilliant.  You’re a goddamn poet.
You can do so much better
I think we should get together now
And that’s what everyone’s talking about

Hey, hey, you, you, you should get a lyricist.  No really.  No really.  You have no fucking rhyming scheme!Hey Hey You You
I don’t like your girlfriend
No way No way
I think you need a new one
Hey Hey You You
I can be your girlfriend

Hey Hey You You
I know that you like me
No way No way
No, it’s not a secret
Hey Hey You You
I want to be your girlfriend

I can see the way
See the way
You look at me
And even when you look away
I know you think of me
I know you talk about me all the time
again and again

So come over here
and tell me what I wanna hear – Ah, yes, a true return to form, remnicent of Sk8ter Boi.  Masterful stroke.
Better yet make your girlfriend disappear
I don’t wanna hear you say her name
ever againShe’s like so whatever
You can do so much better
I think we should get together now
And that what everyone’s talking about – Hey Hey You You 

I don’t like your girlfriend
No way No way
I think you need a new one
Hey Hey You You
I could be your girlfriendHey Hey You You
I know that you like me
No way No way
No, it’s not a secret
Hey Hey You You
I want to be your girlfriend

In a second you’ll be wrapped around my finger
‘Cause I can, ’cause I can do it better
There’s no other, so when’s it gonna sink in
She’s so stupid, what the hell were you thinking? -

Did a 6 year old write this?  “She’s so stupid”?  Why not call her a poophead or something while you’re at it?  “She totally has cooties, and she doesn’t have no boobies…” Haven’t you ever heard that saying that says “When you point the finger, remember 3 of them are pointing back at you?” Think about that before you put out another album, maybe.In a second you’ll be wrapped around my finger
‘Cause I can, ’cause I can do it better
There’s no other, so when’s it gonna sink in
She’s so stupid, what the hell were you thinking?

Hey Hey You You
I don’t like your girlfriend
No way No way
I think you need a new one
Hey Hey You You
I can be your girlfriend

(No Way)

Hey Hey You You
I know that you like me
No way No way
No, it’s not a secret
Hey Hey You You
I want to be your girlfriend

Hey Hey You You
I don’t like your girlfriend ( No Way!)
No way No way
I think you need a new one (Hey!)
Hey Hey You You
I can be your girlfriend (No Way!)

Hey Hey You You
I know that you like me (No Way!)
No way No way
No, it’s not a secret (Hey!)
Hey Hey You You
I want to be your girlfriend (No Way!)

Hey Hey!

Incipid Lyrics Friday

Today’s Feature – La La by Ashlee Simpson 

Additional thoughts: 

1) Who the hell looks at their baby girl, fresh from her mum’s womb and says “Let’s name her Ashlee!  It’s kicky and cool.  She’ll be really edgy and “artsy”!” ?  Apparently, Papa Joe and his incubator- does anyone know her name?

2) She and Pete Wentz are sides of the same poopy coin that some dude has dredged up from the water treatment facility catch cage.  They wear too much eyeliner and make TERRIBLE music.  I hope those crazy kids make it.  They are well-met in their mediocrity.

3) Wow, I wish I had more passion for talking shit about her.  She’s such a non-entity.  I just dislike song lyrics that have an onomotopoetic word or gibberish in them instead of words and people eat it up and the morons who write it become millionaires.  Yes, Missy Elliot, I mean you and your drivel (I am not going to get in a snit about Work It, because that will get me too riled to deal.  I swear I get all fucking Doormouse in Alice in Wonderland when it hears the word “cat” when I hear that fucking song.  I am just gonna put some jam under my nose and go back in the teapot, thanks.)

Alright, enough of that.  Enjoy the musings of this um, talented young lady? 

You can dress me up in diamonds.
You can dress me up in dirt. – Eh?
You can throw me like a line-man. – Um don’t they get rammed?
I like it better when it hurts. Oh, I have waited here for you,
I have waited.You make me wanna la la – La la? Does la la mean throwing horseshoes?
in the kitchen on the floor
I’ll be your french maid
when I meet you at the door.
I’m like an alley cat
drink the milk up, I want more. – Oh Ashlee, you clever minx, did you come up with the “another way to call a cat a kitty” thing all on your own, all Treach styley?  And, by the way, ew.
You make me wanna,
you make me wanna scream.You can meet me on an airplane- How does one do this once it’s aloft, unless you’re John Matrix from Commando (then you wouldn’t even trip, because you can get all the nay nay you want without having to dress up like a French maid- leave that to Marv Albert)?
or in the back of a bus.
You can throw me like a boomerang – Um, isn’t that a crime? 
I’ll come back and beat you up. – Crocodile Dundee would never let that shit happen.

Oh, I have waited here for you,
don’t keep me waiting.

You make me wanna la la – Collect pogs?
in the kitchen on the floor
I’ll be your french maid
when I meet you at the door.
I’m like an alley cat
drink the milk up, I want more.
You make me wanna

You make me wanna
La La in the kitchen on the floor – Make Fimo clay beads?
I’ll be your french maid
when I meet you at the door.
I’m like an alley cat
drink the milk up, I want more.
You make me wanna,
you make me wanna scream.

I feel safe with you. – Wait, you feel safe with a dude that will ram you like a linebacker and throw you like a boomerang?  Did you suffer severe head trauma recently?  Was it from the dude that threw you? 
I can be myself tonight.
It’s alright with you
cause you hold my secrets tight.
you do.
you do.

You make me wanna
lala lalala lalala lalalalala lalala – Eat headcheese?
you make me wanna
lala lalala – Write code?

You make me wanna la la – Make cornrows in your hair?
in the kitchen on the floor
I’ll be your french maid
when I meet you at the door.
I’m like an alley cat
drink the milk up, I want more.
You make me wanna,

You make me wanna la la – Collect all the Bratz dolls?
in the kitchen on the floor
I’ll be your french maid
when I meet you at the door.
I’m like an alley cat
drink the milk up, I want more.
You make me wanna,
you make me wanna scream.

You make me wanna
lala lalala lalala lalalalala lalala – Pick the pimentoes out of green olives?
You make me wanna
lala lalala lalala lalalalala lalala – Play Bocce ball?
You make me wanna
lala lalala lalala lalalalala lalala – Listen to prog rock?
You make me wanna
lala lalala lalala lalalalala lalala … – Write your own prog rock opera?

Incipid Lyrics Friday

 

Today’s Feature:  Candy Shop by 50 Cent

**I am going to preface this by saying that Fiddy once said in an interview that the Candy Shop can “be whatever you bring to the song,” to which I say, HOW MANY WAYS CAN ONE INTERPRET THESE LYRICS!?**

 [Intro - 50 Cent]
Yeah! Uh huh! So seductive! – So this song is about fucking, right?\

[Chorus - 50 Cent & (Olivia)]
I’ll take you to the candy shop
I’ll let you lick the lollipop
Go ahead girl and don’t you stop
Keep going till you hit the spot, WHOA!

So far, I still think it’s about fucking, despite Fiddy’s suggestions otherwise.
 

(I’ll take you to the candy shop)
(Boy one taste of what I got)
(I’ll have you spending all you got)-

She should make him buy her those chocolate covered Gummy Bears, cuz GODDAMN, they’re good.

(Keep going till you hit the spot, WHOA!)[Verse - 50 Cent]
You can have it your way, how do you want it?  
You gon back that thang up or should I push up on it

What is that “thing”?  A lampshade?  A bottle of saffron?  A cement mixer?

Temperature rising, okay, let’s go to the next level
Dance floor, jam packed, hot as a tea kettle-
I’ll break it down for ya now, baby it’s simple
If you be a nympho, I’ll be a nympho-

For candy, right? 

In the hotel or in the back of the rental-

Here’s something strange- dude talks about how many Benzos and Lexuses (sp?) he has, so why is he renting?

On the beach or in the park, it’s whatever you into
Got the Magic Stick, I’m the love doctor
Have your friends teasing you bout how sprung I got you
Wanna show me you can work it baby, no problem
Get on top, then get to bouncing round like a low rider
I’m a seasoned vet when it come to this shit
After you work up a sweat you can play wit the stick- Um, ew.   
I’m trying to explain baby the best way I can- And failing miserably so far.
I’ll melt in your mouth girl not in your hand-

Hey!!  That’s not your job!  Those little M&Ms with the freakishly large hands seen far more appealing.  I would rather talk to someone who sounds like John Lovitz anyways…. 

[Chorus][Bridge - 50 Cent & (Olivia)]
Girl what we do (what we do)
And where we do (and where we do)
The things we do (things we do)
Are just between me and you (oh yeahhh)
 

And by things, he means eating candy still? 

[Verse - 50 Cent]
Give it to me baby, nice and slow-  Heeeerrreee isss yoooooourrrrrr caaaaannnndy coooooornnnnnn, Fiddddddy… 

Climb on top, ride like you in a rodeo-

Are we in a rodeo or a candy shop?  I wonder if he’ll let Oliva get mustard all over his corndog instead…  Mixing metaphors is confusing.
 

You ain’t never heard it sound like this before-

Um, crunch?  One, two-hoo, three!  Three!

Cause I ain’t never put it down like this
Soon as I come through the door, she get to pulling on my zipper
It’s like it’s a race, who could get undressed quicker

Isn’t it ironic how erotic it is to watch her in thongs

Okay, little aside here for all the rappers of the world.  NONE of you have EVER used the words ironic and erotic together to make any kind of sense.  It’s ironic that you like her in a thong?  What does that even mean?  You would normally only find her erotic in a gunny sack, or a 40-lb dog food bag with a hole cut in the top where she sticks out her head?  What does that have to do with candy!?  My teeth and my head hurt now.

Having me thinking about that ass after I’m gone-

Does he mean when he’s dead?  Can you think about that kind of thing in heaven?  Does that piss off the big JC and his Pappy?  Does calling him JC and his Pappy piss him off?  I am getting off topic here.   

I touch the right spot at the right time
Lights on or lights off, she like it from behind- Eating candy?  Is that possible?  
So seductive, you should see the way she wind
Her hips in slow mo on the floor when we grind- Beans?  Pepper?  An axe?
As long as she ain’t stopping homie, I ain’t stopping
Dripping wet wit sweat man it’s on and popping –

This is unsanitary around food products.

On my champagne campaign, bottle after bottle it’s on
Now we gon sip to every bubble now every bottle is gone
 

What is a champagne campaign?  Is your official position that you are pro?  Will you drink it in Iowa, then New Hampshire?  Do these guys just rhyme shit to rhyme shit? 
[Chorus - repeat 2x]

Assessment-This song is both dumb and about fucking.  You know who would do a good job with it?  Prince!  That dude has probably fucked in a candy shop.  He would have at least used better metaphors and would have been both charming and disgusting.  Bill Clinton would know what to do in a candy shop too…  Oh yessir.  BC is the Freak in Chief.  Can we talk about how boner-rific it would be to have him as our First Lady?  I would have a million of his babies.  He likes fat chicks.   It could happen.