Letter to the Editor Mondays- An Open Letter to the Spammers on My Hotmail Account

 

 Dear Spammer to My Hotmail Account:

I have not ever asked you about getting a larger penis, seeing hot shaved teens, or getting discount Vicodin.  I am offended by your familiar tone.  

You see, I watch too much Law and Order and have become rather preoccupied with the idea that a police officer would be reading my e-mail for clues were I smote in the bloom of my youth and beauty, having them make the incorrect assumption that I am a pervert, addict, or unendowed.  

Please refrain from using “Re: your question” if you simply cannot avoid e-mailing me at all.  I have no question where the answer will ever be “Hot shaved teens.”  I only want to know about getting a larger penis if it is attached to one of my baby daddies.  As for the Vicodin, well, prescription drugs don’t equal my idea of having fun on a Friday night.

Yours in Shaved, Painless, Penile Elongation-

A Disgruntled Hotmail User

Letter to the Editor Mondays- An Open Letter to the Weird Dancing Alien That Tries to Get Me To Re-Finance My House

Dear Alien-

You have no idea how much I would like to own a home, only to re-finance it to make you dance.  I love you, man.  I love you like that stupid Budweiser commercial where the two fat guys kept yelling “I love you, Man”, or that guy in Wayne’s World who kept shouting it (I believe his name was Terry).  I could watch you dance for hours, and giggle like someone with a lack of oxygen to the brain (which I am accused of having almost daily).

I just felt I needed to share. 

I don’t know what person in their infinite wisdom chose you as the ambassador of mortgage deals, seeing as you don’t even live on Earth, but to that person I am forever grateful.  You are a beam of light to my otherwise dull, pointless existance.

God bless you and your important work. 

Rave on, my interstellaer amigo!  I twirl a couple of lightsticks on a shoelace in your general direction.

Peace, Love, Unity, Respect-

A Fan