Mix Tape Friday # 5- Songs That I Can’t Stand!

There is a running list in most audiophiles’ heads of songs that would be playing for them in hell.  Most all of these are on the “Do not play at my wedding, funeral, insert major life changing event here list.”

1) Tom Sawyer- Rush:  This song plays on a loop for me in hell.  Fuck you, Geddy Lee.  Right in your ass.  With a prog rock orchestral fantastical concept of a giant dinousaur wearing the Seven dildo.  For reals.

Thing I would rather listen to:  Geddy Lee getting fucked by a dinosaur wearing the Seven dildo.  I would prefer it to be an anklyosaur, so he could smack him in the head with his spiked tail afterwards.

2) Celebrate- Kool and the Gang:  I don’t wanna hear it.  Ever.  It is a bad song.  I love that type of dancy good time music too, but this is not a good jam. 

Thing I’d rather listen to:  A car alarm parked next to my head as I slept.

3) YMCA- The Village People:  I know.  As a fag hag, I should love this shit and be the first one at every wedding to lead it.  I hate that there is a dance, that it is overplayed, and really, it’s not that great a song.  Macho Man is much better.  This song makes me think of required particpation at formal dances from overcaffinated friends getting right in my face and trying to make me do it.  That always pissed me off, so maybe I’m actually resentful of forced particpation.  By the way, just because I don’t want to dance to this stupid fucking song doesn’t make me a party pooper.  It just means I don’t like sucky music.

Thing I’d rather listen to:  A dog barking all night in my yard.

4) Wooly Bully- Sam the Sham and the Pharohs:  God, I hate this song.  It’s always super loud, and that dude’s voice is really intense.  It’s like a giant drillbit.  In your ear.  Plus, the word combo of Wooly Bully annoys me.

Thing I’d rather listen to:  A drillbit.

5) Hey Ya!- Outkast:  Yes, of course, I love Outkast in general, but MY GOD, if I never hear this song again, may I never speak ill of Avril Lavigne again or some promise I will never be able to keep.  I really DON’T get the big deal over this one.  Overplayed, uninteresting, blah, blah, blah. 

Thing I’d rather listen to:  Someone shaking a Polaroid picture.

6)  We Are Family- Sister Sledge:  See previous comment about forced participation.

Thing I’d rather listen to:  A sledge hammer smashing something.

7) I’m Alright- Kenny Loggins:  GAH!  That’s all I can say. 

Thing I’d rather listen to:  Vomiting

Avril Lavigne- Boyfriend:  Eww.  I have posted about this song before. 

Thing I’d rather listen to:  Pretty much any other song in the WORLD.

9) Gwen Stefani- Hollaback Girl:  I have posted about this one too.  Trying to keep my blood pressure down.  She gives me rage epilepsy, all Othello styley.

Thing I’d rather listen to:  Sebastian Bach from Skid Row covering it.  That shit was on the Gilmore Girls and it was fucking hilarious.

10) Zombie- The Cranberries:  That voice.  Egads.  There is so much going wrong in that song that it makes me feel all confused and freaked out, as if I were being chased by a zombie-eh-eh-eh-ah-oow-oww-oww-oww…  I think if zombies played this if they were trying to eat me, I’d probably just present my head, biting down on an apple, like the piggie I am, to make it fucking stop.

Thing I’d rather listen to:  A zombie eating my piggie head.

11) Let’s Get Retarded / Let’s Get it Started- The Black Eyed Peas:  I feel like it’s cheating to say I hate their entire catalogue, which I do, so I picked a particularily offensive one.  I despise both versions.  One is incredibly offensive, and is referential to people who can’t even defend themselves, and the other is a lame cop-out, which real rock stars don’t do.  If someone doesn’t like your song, fuck em!  Don’t water it down and make it even worse!  Have some creative autonomy for fuck’s sake. 

Thing I would rather listen to:  Black eyed peas.  At least they don’t have a song called “My Humps.”

12) Getting Jiggy With It / Miami- WIll Smith:  He needs to stop rapping.  Forever.  His songs get BEATEN TO DEATH, everywhere, all the time.  He makes me want to put my hand in an automatic stapler.  If I had a nutsack, I’d put that in there too, anything to save me from thinking about what a horse’s ass he is.  His lyrics are incipid and uninspired, his hooks are catchy like VD, and they’re not good.  The Will 2K one really offends me, because he uses the hook from the Clash’s “Rock the Casbah.”  I hope the ghost of Joe Strummer haunts him and does think like hocking loogies in his ham sandwiches while he’s not looking.

Thing I’d rather listen to:  Joe Strummer hocking a loogie into a ham sandwich.

13) I Don’t Wanna Wait- Paula Cole:  It was a close race between this and “Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?” but this one wins.  Her voice sounds a little like one of those rusty pumps that you get water from when you go camping.  No me gusta musica adulta contemporaria.  Es muy mal.  See, I got so bored just thinking about it, I had to bust out a little Spanish to wake my brain up.

Thing I’d rather listen to:  One of those Univision telenovela muchachoes singing it.

14) I Want You- Savage Garden:  I’ll admit, I don’t really have an entirely valid reason for disliking this song as much as I do.  I think it has something to do with the super lame lyrics.  Por ejemplo:

Anytime I need to see your face
I just close my eyes
And I am taken to a place where
Your crystal mind and
Magenta feelings take up shelter
In the base of my spine
Sweet like a chic a cherry cola

The “chic a cherry cola” really bugs.  I also think Savage Garden is a lame name for a band.

Thing I would rather listen to:  Man, I don’t even know.  I just know this song is bad.

15)  One Week- Barenaked Ladies:  Eek.  God, this is a lame song.   The chica cherry cola make me think of chikkedy China, the Chinese chicken, and it pissed me off.

Thing I would rather listen to:  A Chinese chicken drinking a cherry cola.

16)  Katie Perry-  I Kissed A Girl:  Wasn’t that interesting when Jill Sobule did it, is less interesting now.  You are a boring girl, Katie Perry, and kissing girls is probably the only way you can get attention.  I am sick of seeing your big stupid face all over everything with your contrived, uninspired 40s fashions.

Thing I would rather listen to:  Real diesel dykes making out.  In matching flannels with cutoff sleeves.

17)  Photograph- Nickelback:  I so don’t even care about the song I picked.  I hate them all.  See previous sentiment for the Black Eyed Peas.  I want to hang Chad Kroger by his nasty, stringy blond hair.  God, all of their stuff sounds the exact same, but people eat it the fuck up!  Whhhhhhyyyyyyy?  I want to do the ultimate Shakespearian insult to him- walk right up to him, pull out some of his lame beard hair, and blow it in his lame face.  His mediocrity makes me angry.  Mary SMASH!

Thing I’d rather listen to:  Chad Kroger choking on his own nasty hair.

18) The Reason- Hoobastank:  First off, let’s talk about the lameness of the name.  How much do you wanna BET those clowns were sitting around smoking dope and that was what they came up with?  “Heh, guys!  “HOObastank!…HoobaSTANK…HooBAstank…Bwahahahahahha” God.  It’s milquetoast, trite, and LAME.

Thing I’d rather listen to:  Clowns smoking dope.

19)  So What?- Pink:  I kinda want to like her.  She seems like a straight shooter.  She seems like a decent human being, if a teeny bit douchey, but then I hear her music.  God, why does every ONE of her songs sound like a journal entry from when she was 12?  Yes, yes, you can write your own lyrics- that’s swell, but, much like Mariah Carey, just because you can hit 8 octaves doesn’t mean you SHOULD.

Thing I’d rather listen to:  A 12-year-old reading her diary.

20)  Bring Me Back To Life- Evanessence:  Ew, ew, ew.  Five words for you Amy- Siouxie Sioux did it better.

Thing I’d rather listen to:  Sioxie Sioux

Mix Tape Friday # 4- Songs to Make Work Suck Less

 

I hate my job.

Here is a list of songs that helps me forget that.

1) Temptation- Jarvis Cocker and Beth Ditto: This is a Heaven 17 cover they did for a Rough Trade Records show.  I saw it on YouTube.  Goddamn genius!  I’d go gay for her for a second or two and he is probably one of the most animalistically sexy creatures ever whelped.  Sweet Christ, the hotness!  Actually, I’d rather BE Beth Ditto than DO Beth Ditto.  She’s a big girl who rocks being a big girl.  I really want to know where she shops.  She is so rock n roll.  Sorry, done now.

2) Violet- Hole: Is there ever a reason NOT to play Hole?  It’s sooo angry. Sometimes, I sit and think “Fuck this, I don’t wanna file.”  Then Hole comes on and I wanna douse everything in kerosene and toss a lit cigarette on it. Wait, that’s actually not very helpful, is it?  Nevermind.  Heh, see what I did right there?  Wait, is that okay, since he’s dead?

3) Pass the Hatchet, I Think I’m Goodkind- Yo La Tengo:  A Yo La Tengo CD at work is about as important as having one of those fire hatchets at work. When the shit goes down, you want something sharp.  This is it. Bonus for not having to punch through glass to get to it.

4) Friend of the Devil (Cover)- Ministry:  Dude, you can totally listen to Ministry at work without offending anyone AND you can hear a Grateful Dead song without having to skip through a waffly 17 minute version of Sugar Magnolia.  Everyone wins!

5) Earthquake Season- Beck:  This song just sounds like escape to me.  It makes me think of riding a bike in a nice breeze.  It’s breezy, like Covergirl. And blendy mojitos.

6) The Whisper Song- The Yin Yang Twins:  PSYCHE!

7) Teenage Riot- Sonic Youth:  It’s. So. Good.  There are few words that do it justice, so I won’t bother.  Goddamn, Daydream Nation rules ass.

Me, Myself and I- De La Soul:  Good for getting you out of the post-lunch funk.  I hate myself for saying that out loud. All I need is a coffee mug with my name on it to crack myself in the skull with.  It always makes me think of PacMan.  I am not sure why. It just seems like music that would make PacMan happy.

9) The Mariner’s Revenge Song- The Decemberists:  Yeah, I know I just used em earlier, but the song is funny, clever, and 10 minutes long.  You can put it on and say “Wow, I just killed 10 minutes listening to a story about a dude getting eaten by a whale and being reunited with his deadbeat stepfather inside it. “  Really great when you’re just getting ready to leave- throw it on, and that last 15 minutes is a historical fact.

10) Natural Man (Cover)- The Dirtbombs:  It’s originally a Lou Rawls song. They do the killer soul covers.  It’s a good “fuck the boss” kind of song: “My boss is guzzling champagne, and I’m nursing a beer in some dive.”  Again, Mick Collins is in my top 5 baby daddies.  I love him SO. HARD.  As a matter of fact, I love him so hard I love him hard the way the lead singer of the Crash Test Dummies says it in “Mmmm…” Harrrrrrrrrrrrrrd.  I think I would even make the mmmmm sound afterwards, only it would be sluttier.  I’d be trying to woo him, see?  He’d probably run in fear, after soiling himself.

11) Gold Dust Woman- Fleetwood Mac:  The Hole cover is great too.  I like the fantasy of it all, and the chorus rules and how she hits it at the end. Stevie Nicks is kinda badass…

12) Jo-Jo’s Jacket- Stephen Malkmus:  This song is so much fun!   Where else are you going to hear the lyrics “Perhaps you saw me in West World.  I acted like a robotic cowboy.  It was my best role, I cannot deny I felt right at home inside that electronic carcass!”?  It’s a fun sing along song.  It always puts me in a better mood. 

13) Tramp- Otis Redding / Carla Thomas:  Goddamnit, Otis Redding is about the coolest guy that ever lived.  This song is playful, funny, and funky.  God bless that brass section, man!  It makes you wiggle in your chair and chickenhead til the cows come home.  Wait, that’s a lot of barnyard analogies- he’s from Georgia, he’d understand.

14) She Don’t Tek No- Latyrx:  The baseline alone is reason enough to listen to this shit on repeat.  It’s totally one of those songs that I bet chicks wished were written about them.  It also has one of the best lines “All little children wanna sit in yo lap, girl I wanna do that myself.”  It’s hip hop that is work-safe, mostly devoid of references to guns, pussy, or selling coke.  I know, no fun, right?  But it is.  It’s kinda like going to a party with no booze and getting really jacked up on coffee and giggling too much. 

15) Jeepster- T Rex:  When you need some good glammy times, but Bowie won’t scratch it quite.  It’s just enough rock to satisfy a rock craving, but not so rock that your co-workers get all sweaty about it.  It’s kinda like a Payday bar.  It covers a lot of cravings.  The panting at the end is a little odd.  Forgot about that.

16) Son of a Preacher Man- Dusty Springfield:  I don’t think I have ever encountered a person who said “Man, this song sucks ass!”  I would probably punch that person in the rectum.  It’s good for dads, grads, and gettin rid of the sads.  What the FUCK am I talking about?  I don’t even know. I just meant it’s very accessible by both the proliteriate and the bourgeoise.  Oh, boy, do I need to shut up.  

17) A Postcard to Nina- Jens Lekman:  Oh, Jens.  You rule so hard, you strange, gangly Swede!  Who else could make a song about being in love with a lesbian so sweet? I love that he has an odd obsession with Rocky Dennis from the Mask Movie and Streets of Fire.  It’s good to have a kooky kindred spirit in the world.

18) Science- Paul Weller:  I love this fucking song.  It’s simple, I love the lyrics, and I love the intimacy in the way he sings it live.  Favorite line- ”Got pen in my pocket, don’t make me a writer.  Standing on a roof don’t make you much higher.  Puttin on gloves don’t make you a fighter.  Studying the world don’t make it science.” It’s one of those that co-workers say “What is this? It’s nice…”

19) Tell It Like It Is- Aaron Neville:  Can’t go wrong with a Neville!  This one is a good hairbrush song (well, highligter song if you’re jammin at the office).

20) Happiness is a Warm Gun- The Beatles:  The Beatles is something most everyone can agree on.  Kinda like “War/poverty is bad.”  But it’s weird.  You can have your freaky cake and eat it too.  Eat the freaky cake, Tina.

So, that’s what keeps me from stabbing passers by with an envelope opener most days…

Mixtape Friday #3- Songs of Twitterpation

This week, it seems like everyone I know is all crush-ey on someone, or is having difficulty getting to spend time with their object of affection (work, finals, etc…). So, I guess this week’s mixtape will be songs to make one feel all lovey. Like a dovey. Not pushy and shovey. Not like David Duchovny. What?

1) Paul Weller- You Do Something To Me: It’s a really good jam. Heh. See what I did there? Because…he’s…the…lead…singer…of….the….Jam…. Hey, look over there!

2) Radiohead- There There: This is a really great crush song. Really, the lyrics “Just cos you feel it doesn’t mean it’s there,” kinda say it all, now don’t they? Great song for someone that is way out of your league. Like 999,999 of my babydaddies.

3) The Beatles- I Want You So Bad: C’mon, this should be self explanatory. The gee-tar in this one is super dope. Actually, I realized after listening to it again, that Motley Crue uses that one part at the end, with the guitar and the “she’s so heaaaavaaaaaaay…” at the end of a song called “Slice of Your Pie.” It’s off Dr. Feelgood. I listened to that album WAY too much for my own good in junior high, and had a huge crush on Nikki 6. Gross.

4) Black Star (Mos Def and Talib Kweli)- Brown Skinned Lady: This is one that would have been good on the mega happy mix too. It’s a good summer jam, all playful and sexy- like Mos Def. (One of my babydaddies). I love the line “Got my imagination flickerin like hot flames. Its how it seems, you make me wanna ride the Coltrane to a Love Supreme.” They are both incredibly clever lyricists and this is one of those songs where it really shows.

5) Captain Beefheart- Her Eyes Are a Blue Million Miles: Second to “Time of the Season” by the Zombies, this is one of the sexiest songs I’ve ever heard. If this doesn’t re-kindle a lil somethin for the paired, or inspire you to throw your mack down if not, then you need to listen to it again, and know you’re fucking dead wrong and stupid.

6) Chromeo- Bonafied Lovin: The video to this is ART! The lyrics are goofy, it’s electroey and blippy and it’s just a cute little song. I just like the idea that part of the chorus is “I’ll give you bonafide lovin…” Okaaaaay.

7) Clem Snide- All Green: Clem Snide is one of the cutest bands ever. They make nice little songs about nice little things, and the lead singer’s name is Eef Barzelay. Eef! That’s a great name. I found out about these guys on Bruce McCullough’s website (not in a stalky way- he was doing live shows in San Francisco, I’m really not that kind of creepy superfan), and would have to agree that they are fabulous (Bruce McCullough likes Missy Elliot!- Funny, no?). Has one of the most romantic lines in a song ever “So feed me a kiss, chapped lips and all And I’ll bring back the tape, of an empire’s fall.” And when you hear Eef’s (God, I love that) voice singing it, it’s even sweeter. Jesus.

D’Angelo- Untitled (How Does It Feel?)- Don’t even get me started on that video. Sweet mother of Christ, D’ Angelo is/was a good lookin brotha. Acutally, I wish they would have panned up like an inch or two though- he has really deep “gutters,” and they made him look oddly segmented (I heard that term on Nip/Tuck and it was acutally “cum gutters,” but that seems really vulgar). ANYways…It is a really romantic song. It’s fuckin diiiiiiiiiirty… Daaaaaaaang. I think one of the cleanest lines in it was “Cause I wanna take the walls down with you. If u want me to baby. (Only if u want me to)” Yeah, dude. He would break you off that hard.

9) Depeche Mode- I Feel You: I freakin love this song. The music is all slinky and strippery, and the lyrics are so so pretty. Oh, Dave Gahan, you have a lovely voice. He fuckin belts it out on this one. I j ust like its simplicity. Just a plain, simple declaration of adoration. God, that was trite. That sounds like a girl group’s debut album title, like “Kitten Patrol presents “A Declaration of Adoration”, featuring the number one track “Lollypop Boy (Wanna Likk You)” What was I talking about? Oh, fuck it. Never mind.

10) The Dirtbombs- Ever Lovin Man: The Dirtbombs are probably my favorite band ever. Mick Collins is in the top 3 of my babydaddies. This is the greatest crush song I have ever heard, with one of the best lines ever: “And when I say it out loud, I look like a schlemiel, but I gotta do it anyway, tell you how I feel.” Fuck yes! Only Mick Collins can get away with something like that and still rock your fucking socks off.

11) The Foo Fighters- Everlong: The sentiments in this song are super sweet, but it’s pretty rockin. The chous is really the best part- it’s a great singing in the car song… “And I wonder, when I sing along with you if everything could ever feel this real forever. If anything could ever be this good again. The only thing I’ll ever ask of you. You’ve got to promise not to stop when I say when.” The video is based on Evil Dead. The Foo Fighters are one of those bands I like better in theory than I do in real life. It bums me out to hear Dave Grohl is such a dick. That’s too bad. It seems like maybe he has a fun sense of humor.

12) Le Tigre- Eau D’ Bedroom Dancing: I am normally not crazy about Riot Grrrl stuff, but these ladies rule like the Queen of England. This song is rock-n-roll, but there’s something girly and flirty about it, without being outright slutty or bubblegummy. Cute lyrics too- “I’m in the sky when I’m on the floor. The world a mess and yr my only cure. There’s no time for me to act mature. The only words i know are “more” “more” and “more” I don’t understand why Riot Grrls insist on making weird little contractions, but whatevs.

13) Keith Sweat- I Want Her: Dude, needed to throw in a lil somepin from jr. high. This is one of those sing at the top of your lungs in the shower jams. Hell yeah.

14) Madonna- Burning Up: And a little something from elementary school too, apparently. Hey, look, something back from when Madonna didn’t suck. It’s a great unrequited love / lust song. “I put myself in this position. And I deserve the imposition. But you don’t even know I’m alive. And this pounding in my heart just won’t die. I’m burnin up.” Excellent hairbrush/vogueing in mirror song, if I remember being 8 well enough, or last weekend.

15) New York Dolls- Lookin for a Kiss: God bless these boys. I love this song so hard. So. Hard. What other song mixes heroin and making out in such a fun way?

16) Oasis- She’s Electric: This is probably one of the cutest songs ever. Noel and Liam Gallagher would probably neck punch someone for saying that. The music is all sway-ey, and the lyrics are sweet. Another good car song.

17) Of Montreal- Faberge Falls For Shuggie: These guys aren’t for everyone. They’re a little electro hippie. That said, they make great music. This is one of the best jams on “Hissing Fauna.” The lyrics are even trippy- “Be careful how you touch me. My body is an earthquake ready to receive. You mind’s making glaciers metals for my soldiers. Let’s be like strangers touching for the first time.” It’s sexy, and funky, and humid, like the band itself- like you can practically feel them sweating while you listen to it.

18) The Pixies- Gigantic: This song makes me think of kissing in the rain, for some reason.

19) Prince- I Would Die 4 U: This should require no explaination. The lyrics “You’re just a sinner I am told. Be your fire when you’re cold. Make u happy when you’re sad. Make u good when u are bad.” C’mon!

20) Pulp- F.e.e.l.i.n.g C.a.l.l.e.d L.o.v.e: Oh, my beloved Jarvis. Oh, the babies we would have. Oh, my uterine prolapse that would evenutally occur, when I could no longer birth them. My GOD the lyrics- “So what do I do? I’ve got a slightly sick feeling in my stomach. Like I’m standing on top of a very high building oh yeah. All the stuff they tell you about in the movies but this isn’t chocolate boxes and roses. It’s dirtier than that, like some small animal that only comes out at night.” If that isn’t panty peeler, I don’t know what the fuck is. But, really, the chorus is great- “It doesn’t make no sense no. It’s not convenient no. It doesn’t fit my plans but I got that taste in my mouth again oh.” Brilliant!

So, there you have it, young rock n rollers- now go love on your lovey, or throw your mack down.
I’m talkin square biz to you, babies.

Mix Tape Friday 2- Eine Kleine Nachtmusic / Good Songs for a Full Moon

Dude, I love a full moon, especially on a summer night. It makes me wanna sit on a porch with a cold beer and stare at the sky all night. So, this list is dedicated to stargazing, daydreaming, and sleeplessness, I guess… 

1) Television- Marquee Moon:  Possibly one of my favorite songs ever.  It’s long so it isn’t for everyone, especially if you don’t feel 4 minute guitar freakouts.  Tom Verlaine’s voice isn’t for everyone either.  It’s kinda like capers, you either like em or you don’t.  I am not making this sound so good right now.  It rules, rest assured.

2) Van Morrison- Moondance:  Fuck you.  I can already see the eye rolls.  I think it’s a sexy, romantic song.  It’s in American Werewolf in London, one of my very favorite movies.  I wanted to play it at my wedding when I was 16-ish.  It was part of my old e-mail address.  I’ve said too much now. Moving on.  Whatever.  I still love it.

3) Echo and the Bunnymen- The Killing Moon:  This song is haunting and cool- I love how metallic it sounds.  Plus, it’s new wavey.  My favey.  I kinda hate myself for doing that just now.  Eeeewwwwwww.  All apologies to
Ian McCullough.

4) Nick Drake- Pink Moon:  It’s. So. Fucking. Sweet.  His voice makes my heart want to bust through my ribcage all Koolaid Man styley.

5) Prince- Under the Cherry Moon:  You can always count on Prince. He makes a lot of my mix tape lists.  

6) The Talking Heads- Moon Rocks:  I love the punk/funk guitar sound to this- kinda Clash-y.  The way David Byrne says “So take your hands out of your pockets …And get your face adjusted” is awesome!!!  He does the growly thing.

7) Tom Waits-Rosie / Little Trip to Heaven: Closing Time is one of the greatest albums ever, and I really really really love every track on it.  It’s impossible to choose one, for real, but it would be a tie between these two. One about lost love, one about found, depends on your mood, I guess.

Cibo Matto- Sugar Water: It’s slinky and sultry and the lyrics make no fucking sense.  Everything I like in a song.  It just makes you feel like a stone cold fox listening to it.  Good “getting ready to go out – make up time- singing in my chones” jam.  “The velocity of time turns her voice into sugar water…”  Say whaaaaaaa?

9) Jeff Buckley- So Real: Contains one of my favorite lines ever in a song – “Love, let me sleep tonight on you couch…And remember the smell of the fabric of your simple city dress.” Jesus.  Makes your lil romantic liver quiver, don’t it?

10) TV on the Radio- Wolf Like Me: Ah, a werewolf song not involving Warren Zevon.  The line “When the moon is round and full, gonna teach you tricks that will blow your mind…” is so freakin hot, much like Tunde Adabimpe himself.  Damn.  That is one sexy indierock motherfucker.  Rawr! I’d tear into him like a pitbull would a laundry hamper full of helpless kittens.  Only sexier.

11) Supergrass- Bad Blood: I love a good song about being restless, as an insomniac.  Go get yourself a copy of Diamond Hoo Ha Man.  It’s so fucking bomb.  So. Bomb.  Gaz Coombes is the awesome, and kinda looks like a semi-handsome version of Dr. Zeus.

12) Jim Carrol Band- I Write Your Name: One of the best songs ever I have heard about being pathetically obsessed with someone who doesn’t love you anymore.  It’s noisy, it’s desperate, I love it.  “I write your name in thick black ink, on stones I throw just to watch them sink.” Daaaaang.

13) New Order- The Perfect Kiss: It’s one of my very favorites, if not my favorite New Order single.  Another kinda floaty dreamy song.  Everything about it is genius.  It makes you wanna dance, but it’s totally depressing. You can chill to it, or party to it.  I love that it is multiutilitarian, kinda like a Swiss Army knife, only sadder, and maybe a little gay flavored.

14) Berlin- The Metro: Another good one about lost love. It’s a good daydreamy song, because of Terri Nunn’s droney thing she does.  It’s also really awesome at full blast in your bathroom when you’ve been doing mushrooms.  Trust me.  Good times.  Staring at a Simpson’s chessboard that is staring back at you, all the fucking characters at once, not so good times.  

15) Calexico- The Black Light: One of my favorite songs to travel by night to.  Excellent night driving song, but you have to make sure to play something uptempo afterwards if you’re getting sleepy.  Otherwise, your shit will go right into an embankment, gar-on-teed.  The last word is the word “drifting” being whispered over and over again.  It kinda lends itself to that.

16) The Decemberists-Here I Dreamt I Was an Architect: Oh, Collin Meloy, why did you have to go all Jethro Tull bloat land on me?  The Crane Wife sucks so bad, it makes me forget you were ever good.  But this song rules. The music is lovely and the lyrics are fantastical- a good, sleepy tempo.

17) Siouxie Sioux and the Banshees- Face to Face: It’s so gooooooooooth. “Siamese twins, writhing intertwined…” Oh, Lordy.  Makes me wanna go put on my black and white tights and too much eyeliner and lipsync it in the mirror, just like I did when I was 13.

1 Hedwig and the Angry Inch (John Cameron Mitchell)- Midnight Radio: This is such a hairbrush song.  I love the line “And all you strange rock-n-rollers, you know you’re doing all right!”  I hate John Cameron Mitchell for being as hot as a dude as he is as a chick.  Bastard.  He’s nuclear hot.  It’s so insanely unfair.  Woe to his life partner, who he will always be hotter than.  I want to know where he gets that glittery red lipstick.  SO HOT.

19) Michael Penn- No Myth: It’s Sean Penn’s brother, dude!  Okay, I admit this is a little adult contemporary, but that really lame hopeless romantic side of me loves the line “So what if I was Romeo in black jeans?”  I don’t know why, I just think it’s sweet, in a boring, Sting-y kinda way (except that it doesn’t suck).  The other great line is “between the poles and the equator, don’t send a private investigator to find me please, unless he speaks Chinese, and can dance like Astaire on the breeze.”  I like how whimsical it is.

20) Joy Division- Something Must Break: Complete and utter perfection.  It’s menacing and loud and makes you feel all crazy and dancy.  Have you ever noticed how the word menacing looks like a creepy word?  Kinda like the word weird.  Trippppppppy.  Weird, weird, weird, weird….it doesn’t even look like a real word anymore.  Okay, I’m done now.  Sorry.

Mixtape Friday- Mix Tape #1- The Mega Happy Mix

So, Incipid Lyrics Friday got boring, and I love making mixed tapes, which I can no longer really do, since it seems I am one of very few who still even make them or have a tape deck, so I decided I was gonna make a (gag, I hate using this word) virtual mix tape.  I found a blog called Mixtape Therapy that has people write e-mails to it and the chick who writes it spits out a list of really lame songs appropriate to the situation, but a lot of them involve Sum 41 and other really terrible shit.  So, I thought to myself- “What better way to wank my own crank than to do it better and say as much?”  I am not doing the same thing, per se, but I like the idea of posting a list for a mix tape, so I am stealing it, and picking better bands.

It’s sunny, it’s Friday, I’ve had a giant can of Diet Coke, so I am really hyper, and therefore, it is time for the Mega Happy Mix. 

Note:  Not all the lyrics are mega happy, but the music is. 

Please Also Note:  This may be Brit heavy.  That’s because I love English music.  Deal.

1) The Jam- Town Called Malice:  I dare you to hold still to this song.  Try it.  Try harder.  You fucking can’t, can you?  And you get to yell “Ba-ba-ba-ba-bada-ba” in the middle of it.  Good times.  Some of the most depressing lyrics ever.

2) Supergrass- Pumpin On Your Stereo:  Anything with a clap, snap, or a tamborine rules ass, plain and simple.  It’s got all of em.

3) Patrick Wolf- Magic Position:  So. Fucking. Cute.  See above for clapping.

4) Tenderness- General Public:  This song makes me think of running around, holding hands and kissing on your lovey.  Good jam. 

5) Ladyflash- The Go Team:  Another clapping song.  It makes me wanna jump rope in front of a fire hydrant with the lid off in New York City, even though they’re English.

6) Earthquake Heart- The Dirtbombs:  Quite possibly one of the best songs ever written.  It makes you wanna shimmy, shake, and mess your dress.

7) Try A Little Tenderness- Otis Redding:  If you aren’t pumping your fist by the line “Gotta love her, squeeze her, don’t tease her…” you have no soul in any sense of the word.

Dress You Up- Madonna:  It’s a fun song, don’t hate.  AND, it’s all dancey and cute.

9) Mint Car- The Cure:  C’mon, really, how many super happy ones do they do?  So cute!  “Vanilla smile and a gorgeous straberry kiss?”  Precious!

10) Move on Up- Curtis Mayfield:  The brass is awesome, the lyrics are snappy, and Curtis rules ass!

11) Flashlight – Parliament:  This is the funkiest of the funk.  A good stinky funk.  Funky funky funk.  The mothership is gonna give you a 1 way trip ticket to Awesome Land!  Plus, any song that commands you to “Dance, Sucka!” rules!

12) Remember the Time- Michael Jackson:  I don’t care.  Fuck you.  It’s still a good song.  The lyrics are pretty incipid, but it’s sweet and a good summer jam.  “Do you remember?  On the phone?  After dark?  You and me, in Spain?  What about us, Girl?!”

13) Ice Cube- Today Was a Good Day:  Dude, any day you don’t have to use an AK or you get to feel on a big fat fanny, pull out the jammy, and kill the poonanny is a good fuckin day.

14) I Decided- Solange Knowles:  It’s kinda like a lame Supremes song.  I love it.  Hard.  See comment about clapping.

15) It’s Not Unusual- Tom Jones:  The music is crazy happy.  The song is not so much.  But it makes you wanna shake dat rump.  He totally insured his chest hair.  Hell yes.

16) Wake Me Up (Before You Go Go)- Wham!:  C’mon.  Seriously.  This requires no comment.  Plus, he wears a giant shirt that says “Choose Life” in the Video. 

17) Can’t Get You Out of My Head- Kylie Minogue:  Too embarrassed.  Can’t say more.  Hey, look over there!

18) Jungle Love- Morris Day and the Motherfuckin Time:  “I got a bearskin rug, yall!”  Nuff said.  Jerome, I think I’ma need a drank.

19) Sex Shooter- Apollonia 6:  Okay, so apparently, I have Purple Rain on the brain.  The dance to this fucking rules so hard. 

20) I’m Still in Love With You- Sean Paul featuring Sasha:  I so don’t care what anyone says about this one.  I really dislike his voice most of the time, but this song is mega happy!  Lord, I can’t help myself.  It makes me think of drinking beers in the sun.  Then again, a lot of things do.

So, there you go, the Mega Happy Mix.  A little somepin for most folks.