Buenos Dias, Bitches!
So, I have returned to you, my babies, not unlike a morbidly obese phoenix, magnificent tailfeathers flying proudly, from the ashes of google x 4, makin’ ya’ll go “Awwwwww…” It may be in delight and awe, it may be in disgust; I can’t hear you, it’s the internet- I’ll assume the prior.
So, let’s jump in with both feet then.
A friend of mine and I were discussing the interesting concept that the hairier or with a stronger tendency toward histronics is, the worse their music is likely to be. This may sound xenophobic, but I have done a lot of research in my travels. Though I say bad, it is usually because of the response I get from other people, and not always my own opinion. I love some genuinely terrible shit, kind of like a bluebottle fly who likes George Michael, minus all the vomiting. Well, there is some vomiting, but it’s usually flu or alcohol induced.
ANYways, here’s the breakdown in Venn Diagram form. Accept no substitutes:
Hairy People: Include most Slavics, Greeks, Turks, some Italians, some French, and the occasional Latino / Chicano / Hispanic, Indian, many Arabic groups. Anyone who can develop a “hair sweater.” This also includes James Taylor.
People With a Tendency Toward Hystronics (In their music): Most Slavics, Italians, Greek, Latino / Chicano / Hispanic, many Asian groups (Chineese, Thai). You know the music, lots of orchestral swelling, whispering, shouting, etc. This also involves anything involving a heartbeat, wind rushing, or any kind of animal cry.
People Who Make Terrible Music: Granted, this is completely subjective- some people feel that 140 beats per minute makes for bad music, some cannot deal with the magic of the Pan flute of the Andes, still others don’t dig on experimental throat singing, etc. Draw your own conclusion here.
Conclusion: The Greeks win. Viva Hellas! Your music is hystronic and terrible and you are hairy. Across the board, they are indeed the worst, which is to say, some of the most fun to listen to. Whether it is the more classical folk song, the heartfelt love song, the harrowing hip hop, or the techno/folksong combo, it is equally likely to make you furrow your brow and go “Whaaaaaaaa?” A close second are the Russians- Russian techno is some of the worst music I have ever heard. EVER. This comes from a girl owns “The Sounds of Money-Eddie Money’s Greatest Hits”, the Spin Doctors, and that Duran Duran covers album (the cover of White Lines is fucking hysterical).
