That’s My New Band Name IV- This Time, It’s Bandier!

Baby Huffer (I’m gonna guess electronica)

Moth Fart Webcam (Experimental, arthouse)

Hipster Dad (Pop-punk)

Shout Out to My Boy Dave

HEY, LOOK!  I ACTUALLY WROTE SOME SHIT!

My Gump, My Gump, My Gump, My Lovely Tarded Lumps- Check it Out!

Okay- so I sat through part of Forrest Gump a couple of weeks ago (well, the end), and something occurred to me. 

Dude. got. hustled.

Check it- so your drugged out skag of a best friend bails on you for HOW many years, through you going to Nam, your best friend dying in Nam, your mom dying, then all of a sudden wants to be your homie again when she realizes she’s about to die a single mom?  Something ain’t right there.

You can practically hear the gears in her head “He’s stupid as fuck, he’s loaded, I won’t have to fuck him because I’m dying of an STD, he’s loaded, he loves me no matter what, he’s loaded, and I can stick him with my kid because he’s too stupid to know it could be anyone’s, considering what I’ve been up to, and he’s loaded.”

Conclusion:  Lieutenant Dan ain’t the only one with magic legs, kids.

This is Seriously the Saddest Zebra I Have Ever Seen!

Not to say I am an expert on these things, but that dude looks SAD.

It actually bummed me out for a minute looking at him.

This guy knows pain, and not in the “my parents never loved me way,” either. 

In other emo news, have you heard about this shit going down in Mexico? 

http://www.exclaim.ca/articles/generalarticlesynopsfullart.aspx?csid1=120&csid2=844&fid1=30610 

Sure, I’ve wanted to throw something at an emo kid before, like a giant tub of IMO, that fake sour cream, but actually beating em down?  Not cool.  Between them and the punks, there’s some kind of turf war.  It’s like the Sharks and the Jets, only with actual stabbing instead of those silly hand-holding circle things they did in the play.  It’s kind of interesting too how many hard core cholos like Morrisey.  What the fuck, Mexico?

Oh yes, and one more thing.  I really dislike it immensely (I am making a concerted effort to not use the word hate when I don’t mean it) when people say they are feeling “emo.”  EMO IS NOT AN EMOTION, DUDE!!!  FOR FUCK’S SAKE!  There are so many lovely words to convey feeling crappy about the world.  Perhaps you are feeling like a you have a general feeling of malaise, or perhaps you are feeling morose, or even baleful, or have a touch of ennui.  See, aren’t those nice words that are DYING because we live in such a pop-tart, text messaged, microwaved society?  It’s a damn shame.  So, the greater message here, my good people, is be sad, be bummed, but for the love of GOD and everything holy, don’t call yourself emo. 

You might get your ass beat by a cholo who knows all the words to Suedehead.  

Behind the Music – Toxic Megacolon

Why is that medical terminology has the best potential for a band name?

For example, the phrase Toxic Megacolon, is, if you’ll excuse the pun, the shit!

Can you imagine what their backstory would be like?

Pretty Much the Best Thing Ever!

Dude.  I love it when people misspell profanity.  There is an overpass over by where I live where some douchehat risked his life to write FUK proudly in giant hot pink letters.  I think someone might have actually had to have held his ankles, but I’m not sure.  Maybe one of his parents is in Cirque du Soleil. 

ANYwho…

I was riding the bus this morning, on my way to work, earphones in my ears, scarf covering my nose to filter out l’odeur du hobeaux (we have a ride free zone downtown, so everyone of all olfactory backgrounds rides), when he came through the double doors.

My heart stopped.

I had to catch my breath.

I looked once, then twice, as he wrapped his scabby knuckles around the “Oh, shit, hang on” pole.  There, on one set of knuckles, the letters spelt ”L-O-V-E.” 

“Hm,” I thought to myself, “This dude must be a HUGE Meatloaf fan!” 

Then the second hand undulated, like the cautious wings of a rare butterfly, so I could see the second set of knuckles.  On them read, I shit you not, the letters “P-U-S-Y.”

Dear Dude on the Bus, you are obviously a great lothario in the sack and needed to express it to the world.  You really do need to learn to spell and wear fingerless gloves to cover that shit if you’re looking for work, though.

Either that, or you are prone to abscesses, and found this a more declarative indicator than a Medic Alert bracelet.  

How To Not Make Nice With Your Neighbors- A How To Guide

Step 1:  Drink a LOT of rum and orange juice.

Step 2:  Don’t eat anything except refried beans.  Continue drinking rum and orange juice.

Step 3:  Borrow a karaoke machine.

Step 4:  Continue drinking rum and orange juice until 3-4 AM (undetermined, due to time change).  Smoke a joint.

Step 5:  Play Selena’s “Mis Mejores Exitos” at full blast.  Scream the words to “Como La Flor”  Listen for thumping on floor.  

Step 6:  Go to bed almost immediately, for fear of call from landlord.

Step 7:  Sheepishly write note of apology to neighbor on Kewpie Doll stationary.

Hail to the Chief, Bitches…

 

In honor of President’s Week, I learned a few new things about our Commanders in Chief that may interest some of you.  Deciding whether or not I would have babies with these fellas (except for Clinton- yeeeee-ah) was entirely arbitrary and often based upon the stupid fact I found out about them.  So, with my hand on my heart, I give you, our presidents…

1. George Washington, 1789-1797 :  Forbade swearing in the Army.  No babies for you, motherfucker.
2. John Adams, 1797-1801: John Adams was a second cousin to Samuel Adams, and a third cousin to his own wife, Abigail Smith Adams.  The beer is schwaggy and marrying your cousin is dirtay- no babies for you.
3. Thomas Jefferson, 1801-1809:  Jefferson’s library of approximately 6,000 books became the basis of the Library of Congress. His books were purchased from him for $23,950- would totally have your babies, even if you like a little coffee with your cream.
4. James Madison, 1809-1817:  Madison was our smallest President, weighing 100 pounds, and standing 5 feet and 4 inches tall.  Awww, dude, you were totally a pocket president!  I guess babies are due to you.  
5. James Monroe, 1817-1825: James Monroe was the first president to tour the country.  That’s pretty badass.  I will totally have your babies.  
6. John Quincy Adams, 1825-1829: John Quincy Adams owned a pet alligator which he kept in the East Room of the White House.   That rules!  I will totally have your babies.  No, alligator!  Don’t eat Bruno Puntz-Jones!  You think that’s good?  That’s bad! 
7. Andrew Jackson, 1829-1837: Jackson was racist and sexist. He also believed that the earth was flat.  Dude, you were a dick.  No babies for you!
8. Martin Van Buren, 1837-1841: His autobiography does not mention his wife once.  Not cool, bro.  No babies, but props to your excellent muttonchops.  
9. William Henry Harrison, 1841:  Since you died 32 days into your term, and I don’t want my babies to have no babydaddies, no babies for you.  Big ups for studying medicine, though.  
10. John Tyler, 1841-1845:  John Tyler was the President to have the most children. He had 15.  Correction, a million and 15.  
11. James Knox Polk, 1845-1849:  Polk survived a gallstone operation at age 17 without anethesia or antiseptics.  So, you keep it hard in the yard.  I need a stong man like that to raise all our babies.  
12. Zachary Taylor, 1849-1850:  Taylor spent July 4, 1850, eating cherries and milk at a ceremony at the Washington Monument. He got sick from the heat and died five days later, the second president to die in office.  Dude, no babies for you, but we do both enjoy cherries and milk and dislike the heat.  Woulda been a nice match.
13. Millard Fillmore, 1850-1853:  Fillmore didn’t make an Inaugural Address.  Your cajones are large, sir.  Good on ya!  I will have a baby or two.  
14. Franklin Pierce, 1853-1857:  During his second year at Bowdoin College in Maine, Pierce had the lowest grades out of anyone in his class. He changed his study habits, and graduated third in his class. Among his class mates were Nathaniel Hawthorne and Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.  I love a good underdog story.  I will totally have your babies.  
15. James Buchanan, 1857-1861:  Buchanan had the opportunity to buy Cuba for only $90,000,000, but Congress wouldn’t let him because they thought he would steal the money and run away!  Dude, are you the kind of guy who says he’s gonna go buy Pampers and never come home?  Fuck that noise!  No babies for you!  
16. Abraham Lincoln, 1861-1865 – It goes without saying.  I’d totally have your babies, assassinated or not, Broseph!
17. Andrew Johnson, 1865-1869:  Andrew Johnson was a self-educated tailor. He is the only President who made his own clothes as well as his cabinet’s.  Sweet!  Your Project Runway Challenge is:  make clothes for our million babies.  
18. Ulysses Simpson Grant, 1869-1877:  Grant was a fourth cousin once removed of Franklin D. Roosevelt, a sixth cousin once removed of Grover Cleveland, and a first cousin three times removed to Judy Garland.  As a fag hag, I should have his babies because he’s kinda related to Judy.  Oh-kay…. 
19. Rutherford Birchard Hayes, 1877-1881:  Hayes was the first president to visit the West Coast while in office.  See, he’s keepin it HOOD!  He’s a West Coast boyee, gettin wicky-wicky-wild in the West.  Also, I LOVE the name Rutherford.  Babies for you, but only if we can name them all Rutherford.
20. James Abram Garfield, 1881:  Garfield was the only president to have been a preacher.  So, at least 40% of our million babies will be dudes, so they will all be the “Son of a Preacher Man.”  Bad-ass.
21. Chester Alan Arthur, 1881-1885:  Arthur changed his pants several times a day. He had over 80 pairs!  That’s a lot of pants, man.  Pants! Pants! Pants!  I cannot use this as a yardstick for whether or not I will have your babies, so I will give you a provisional pass.
22. Grover Cleveland, 1885-1889:  “Death and Destruction” was the name that Grover Cleveland gave to his favorite hunting rifle.  Mine is named Zack, because he’s a shootin’ maniac.  Well, it’s not a rifle, it’s a pistol, anyways…  You name your gun (it’s not Charlene), that’s pretty cool.  Babies for you!
23. Benjamin Harrison, 1889-1893:  When North and South Dakota were admitted to the Union. Harrison covered the tops of the bills and shuffled them so that he could only see the bottom. He signed them and we will never know which state was the 39th or the 40th!  You’re a dude of mystery.  I like that in a babydaddy.
24. Grover Cleveland, 1893-1897
25. William McKinley, 1897-1901:  McKinley kept a parrot in the White House that could whistle “Yankee Doodle.” McKinley would whistle the first part, and the bird would finish it.  My old cat used to sing along to Violent Femmes songs during “Mommy and Baby Sing Along…”  Too bad you got gatted.  No babies for you.
26. Theodore Roosevelt, 1901-1909:  I don’t have babies with warmongers.
27. William Howard Taft, 1909-1913:  Taft was our heaviest president, weighing 332 pounds. He once got stuck in the White House bath tub, so a new one was installed, big enough to hold four grown men!  Aww…the First Fatty.  Everyone needs love, even fatties.  I give you sympathy babies.
28. Woodrow Wilson, 1913-1921:  Fuck this clown.  No babies, ever!  Racist piece of shit!
29. Warren Gamaliel Harding, 1921-1923:  He was the first president to visit Canada. He stopped in Vancouver on his way to Alaska. He was also the first president to visit Alaska.  There is a lake named after him that we used to go to as kids.  I guess, out of fillial pride for me state that I will have your babies.
30. Calvin Coolidge, 1923-1929:  Coolidge had numerous dogs and cats, as well as a donkey named “Ebeneezer,” a goose that had starred in a Broadway play, and a raccoon named “Rebecca.” Coolidge was sometimes found walking around the White House with Rebecca on his shoulder.  YES!  Totally babydom for you.  That’s cool as fuck!
31. Herbert Clark Hoover, 1929-1933:  During Prohibition Hoover would visit the Belgian Embassy in Washington D.C. for drinks. It was considered foreign soil, so drinking was legal there.  Dude was a rebel and a lush.  Hell yes!  Good qualities for our many drunken babies.
32. Franklin Delano Roosevelt, 1933-1945:  You were married to Eleanor.  Babies for you, but proud, strong, female ones.
33. Harry S. Truman, 1945-1953:  Truman once said, “No man should be allowed to be president who doesn’t understand hogs.”  A sound minded sort of fellow, I guess.  Um, sure, babies for you….
34. Dwight David Eisenhower 1953-1961:  His favorite dessert was prune whip.  That’s so nasty.  Don’t come try to be all lovin up on me, wantin to make babies with prune breath, yo.
35. John Fitzgerald Kennedy, 1961-1963:  Dude, you were a nice guy, but then you got gatted.  You made the nuns cry that day, according to my catholic schooled mum.  That’s rough.  Alas, no babies.  Besides, it seems like most of em have pretty bad luck, anyways.
36. Lyndon Baines Johnson, 1963-1969:  Johnson loved the soda Fresca so much that he had a fountain installed in the Oval Office that would dispense the soda at the push of a button!  Well, Fresca IS pretty much the shit.  Plus, he sounded like a total badass who didn’t take a lot of shit from folks.  Our babies would probably also enjoy Fresca.  It is pretty refreshing.
37. Richard Milhous Nixon, 1969-1974:  Aw, Nixon.  You were crazy.  That’s hereditary sometimes.  No babies for you.
38. Gerald Rudolph Ford, 1974-1977:  Ford was once a male model.  That’s funny- he doesn’t look ridiculously good looking (insert Zoolander pucker).  Dude, he was a klutz, and I’ve gotten stitches from falling off a curb.  That is a bad scene.  No broken babies for us, homie.
39. James Earl Carter, Jr., 1977-1981:  You are awesome!  I would totally have your babies.  You have done so much as an ex-president that none of these other foos have that you get extra babies, iffen you want em.
40. Ronald Wilson Reagan, 1981-1989:  No babies, and I hope that all the hoboes you let starve in the street and all the people that could have maybe survived getting AIDS in the 80s haunt you in your afterlife, you Gumby haired motherfucker.
41. George Herbert Walker Bush, 1989-1993:  See below for your fuckhat son.
42. William Jefferson Clinton, 1993-2001:  Bill Clinton is the first left-handed American president to serve two terms.  Clinton was mauled by a sheep when he was about eight years old. Clinton called it “the awfullest beating I ever took.” Bill Clinton was the first and only president to have been a Rhodes Scholar.  Dude, I could go on and on about how rad Clinton is.  I hope our babies are as rad as we are.  There is something really genuinely sexy about that cat.  He is the Freak in Chief.  Aww….yeah…..AND he likes the fatties.  It’s on, Billy Boy!  Call a bitch. 
43. George Walker Bush, 2001- Not even if it meant that we could re-populate the world, once you get us blowed the fuck up.  No babies, ever.  I can’t even joke about it, you’re that disgusting.

Letter to the Editor Mondays- An Open Letter to the Spammers on My Hotmail Account

 

 Dear Spammer to My Hotmail Account:

I have not ever asked you about getting a larger penis, seeing hot shaved teens, or getting discount Vicodin.  I am offended by your familiar tone.  

You see, I watch too much Law and Order and have become rather preoccupied with the idea that a police officer would be reading my e-mail for clues were I smote in the bloom of my youth and beauty, having them make the incorrect assumption that I am a pervert, addict, or unendowed.  

Please refrain from using “Re: your question” if you simply cannot avoid e-mailing me at all.  I have no question where the answer will ever be “Hot shaved teens.”  I only want to know about getting a larger penis if it is attached to one of my baby daddies.  As for the Vicodin, well, prescription drugs don’t equal my idea of having fun on a Friday night.

Yours in Shaved, Painless, Penile Elongation-

A Disgruntled Hotmail User

Man, If I Were 13, I’d Have Such a Boner Right Now

This is totally how I saw Axl Rose as a wee girl.  Some genius has tapped some weird primal part of my psyche…  That’s one for the ol’ Spank Bank.

 

Also, I just heard Stone Temple Pilots are reuniting for a festival this summer. 

Do you know how many times I heard “Hey everybody, where did Mary go?  She’s got my only cigarrette” thing that was the hidden track on Core in high school?  A LOT!  Thanks for nothing, Weiland!  I used to have that whole weird rant that was inside the liner notes of Core that was all about society being full of filthy pigs or something as my binder cover.  Man, I was fucking rad.  Really, between that and listening to Use Your Illusions 1 and 2 on repeat for 4 years, the radness never stopped!  I totally cut school one time, huffed a bunch of White-Out with a friend and watched Don’t Cry, November Rain, and Estranged on repeat.  Maybe, had I not done that in hindsight, compounded with the never ending joints after school, I would be doing better in my math class now- doubtful.  Playing the “what if” game is counterproductive anyways…

It just makes me sad that the youths (pronounced yutes) don’t have anything this self-indulgent and over-the-top to enjoy, look forward to, and watch days of MTV for.  I weep for them.  Poor bastards- all they get are re-runs of Jackass, people vomiting and making out in hot-tubs on various Real World-type affairs, and My Super Sweet 16 to tide them over between My Chemical Romance Vidoes.  It’s a damn shame.  I don’t care who you are (Fink Fiend McCheech Lover), no Panic! At The Disco is a substitute for the wedding scene in November Rain, and you know it!