If Wanting to Have Babies With Dudes Pushing 50 Who Dress Up Like Women is Wrong, I Don’t Wanna Be Right.

I. have. such. wood. right. now.

In two weeks, I am gonna see these dudes.

I am muy excited.  The Kids in the Hall, 4 of my babies daddies (minus Scott, since he does dudes) are comin to Seattle.

Such wood.

The inseam of my pants are straining. 

This is about to get embarassing, y’all.

 

Hail to the Chief, Bitches…

 

In honor of President’s Week, I learned a few new things about our Commanders in Chief that may interest some of you.  Deciding whether or not I would have babies with these fellas (except for Clinton- yeeeee-ah) was entirely arbitrary and often based upon the stupid fact I found out about them.  So, with my hand on my heart, I give you, our presidents…

1. George Washington, 1789-1797 :  Forbade swearing in the Army.  No babies for you, motherfucker.
2. John Adams, 1797-1801: John Adams was a second cousin to Samuel Adams, and a third cousin to his own wife, Abigail Smith Adams.  The beer is schwaggy and marrying your cousin is dirtay- no babies for you.
3. Thomas Jefferson, 1801-1809:  Jefferson’s library of approximately 6,000 books became the basis of the Library of Congress. His books were purchased from him for $23,950- would totally have your babies, even if you like a little coffee with your cream.
4. James Madison, 1809-1817:  Madison was our smallest President, weighing 100 pounds, and standing 5 feet and 4 inches tall.  Awww, dude, you were totally a pocket president!  I guess babies are due to you.  
5. James Monroe, 1817-1825: James Monroe was the first president to tour the country.  That’s pretty badass.  I will totally have your babies.  
6. John Quincy Adams, 1825-1829: John Quincy Adams owned a pet alligator which he kept in the East Room of the White House.   That rules!  I will totally have your babies.  No, alligator!  Don’t eat Bruno Puntz-Jones!  You think that’s good?  That’s bad! 
7. Andrew Jackson, 1829-1837: Jackson was racist and sexist. He also believed that the earth was flat.  Dude, you were a dick.  No babies for you!
8. Martin Van Buren, 1837-1841: His autobiography does not mention his wife once.  Not cool, bro.  No babies, but props to your excellent muttonchops.  
9. William Henry Harrison, 1841:  Since you died 32 days into your term, and I don’t want my babies to have no babydaddies, no babies for you.  Big ups for studying medicine, though.  
10. John Tyler, 1841-1845:  John Tyler was the President to have the most children. He had 15.  Correction, a million and 15.  
11. James Knox Polk, 1845-1849:  Polk survived a gallstone operation at age 17 without anethesia or antiseptics.  So, you keep it hard in the yard.  I need a stong man like that to raise all our babies.  
12. Zachary Taylor, 1849-1850:  Taylor spent July 4, 1850, eating cherries and milk at a ceremony at the Washington Monument. He got sick from the heat and died five days later, the second president to die in office.  Dude, no babies for you, but we do both enjoy cherries and milk and dislike the heat.  Woulda been a nice match.
13. Millard Fillmore, 1850-1853:  Fillmore didn’t make an Inaugural Address.  Your cajones are large, sir.  Good on ya!  I will have a baby or two.  
14. Franklin Pierce, 1853-1857:  During his second year at Bowdoin College in Maine, Pierce had the lowest grades out of anyone in his class. He changed his study habits, and graduated third in his class. Among his class mates were Nathaniel Hawthorne and Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.  I love a good underdog story.  I will totally have your babies.  
15. James Buchanan, 1857-1861:  Buchanan had the opportunity to buy Cuba for only $90,000,000, but Congress wouldn’t let him because they thought he would steal the money and run away!  Dude, are you the kind of guy who says he’s gonna go buy Pampers and never come home?  Fuck that noise!  No babies for you!  
16. Abraham Lincoln, 1861-1865 – It goes without saying.  I’d totally have your babies, assassinated or not, Broseph!
17. Andrew Johnson, 1865-1869:  Andrew Johnson was a self-educated tailor. He is the only President who made his own clothes as well as his cabinet’s.  Sweet!  Your Project Runway Challenge is:  make clothes for our million babies.  
18. Ulysses Simpson Grant, 1869-1877:  Grant was a fourth cousin once removed of Franklin D. Roosevelt, a sixth cousin once removed of Grover Cleveland, and a first cousin three times removed to Judy Garland.  As a fag hag, I should have his babies because he’s kinda related to Judy.  Oh-kay…. 
19. Rutherford Birchard Hayes, 1877-1881:  Hayes was the first president to visit the West Coast while in office.  See, he’s keepin it HOOD!  He’s a West Coast boyee, gettin wicky-wicky-wild in the West.  Also, I LOVE the name Rutherford.  Babies for you, but only if we can name them all Rutherford.
20. James Abram Garfield, 1881:  Garfield was the only president to have been a preacher.  So, at least 40% of our million babies will be dudes, so they will all be the “Son of a Preacher Man.”  Bad-ass.
21. Chester Alan Arthur, 1881-1885:  Arthur changed his pants several times a day. He had over 80 pairs!  That’s a lot of pants, man.  Pants! Pants! Pants!  I cannot use this as a yardstick for whether or not I will have your babies, so I will give you a provisional pass.
22. Grover Cleveland, 1885-1889:  “Death and Destruction” was the name that Grover Cleveland gave to his favorite hunting rifle.  Mine is named Zack, because he’s a shootin’ maniac.  Well, it’s not a rifle, it’s a pistol, anyways…  You name your gun (it’s not Charlene), that’s pretty cool.  Babies for you!
23. Benjamin Harrison, 1889-1893:  When North and South Dakota were admitted to the Union. Harrison covered the tops of the bills and shuffled them so that he could only see the bottom. He signed them and we will never know which state was the 39th or the 40th!  You’re a dude of mystery.  I like that in a babydaddy.
24. Grover Cleveland, 1893-1897
25. William McKinley, 1897-1901:  McKinley kept a parrot in the White House that could whistle “Yankee Doodle.” McKinley would whistle the first part, and the bird would finish it.  My old cat used to sing along to Violent Femmes songs during “Mommy and Baby Sing Along…”  Too bad you got gatted.  No babies for you.
26. Theodore Roosevelt, 1901-1909:  I don’t have babies with warmongers.
27. William Howard Taft, 1909-1913:  Taft was our heaviest president, weighing 332 pounds. He once got stuck in the White House bath tub, so a new one was installed, big enough to hold four grown men!  Aww…the First Fatty.  Everyone needs love, even fatties.  I give you sympathy babies.
28. Woodrow Wilson, 1913-1921:  Fuck this clown.  No babies, ever!  Racist piece of shit!
29. Warren Gamaliel Harding, 1921-1923:  He was the first president to visit Canada. He stopped in Vancouver on his way to Alaska. He was also the first president to visit Alaska.  There is a lake named after him that we used to go to as kids.  I guess, out of fillial pride for me state that I will have your babies.
30. Calvin Coolidge, 1923-1929:  Coolidge had numerous dogs and cats, as well as a donkey named “Ebeneezer,” a goose that had starred in a Broadway play, and a raccoon named “Rebecca.” Coolidge was sometimes found walking around the White House with Rebecca on his shoulder.  YES!  Totally babydom for you.  That’s cool as fuck!
31. Herbert Clark Hoover, 1929-1933:  During Prohibition Hoover would visit the Belgian Embassy in Washington D.C. for drinks. It was considered foreign soil, so drinking was legal there.  Dude was a rebel and a lush.  Hell yes!  Good qualities for our many drunken babies.
32. Franklin Delano Roosevelt, 1933-1945:  You were married to Eleanor.  Babies for you, but proud, strong, female ones.
33. Harry S. Truman, 1945-1953:  Truman once said, “No man should be allowed to be president who doesn’t understand hogs.”  A sound minded sort of fellow, I guess.  Um, sure, babies for you….
34. Dwight David Eisenhower 1953-1961:  His favorite dessert was prune whip.  That’s so nasty.  Don’t come try to be all lovin up on me, wantin to make babies with prune breath, yo.
35. John Fitzgerald Kennedy, 1961-1963:  Dude, you were a nice guy, but then you got gatted.  You made the nuns cry that day, according to my catholic schooled mum.  That’s rough.  Alas, no babies.  Besides, it seems like most of em have pretty bad luck, anyways.
36. Lyndon Baines Johnson, 1963-1969:  Johnson loved the soda Fresca so much that he had a fountain installed in the Oval Office that would dispense the soda at the push of a button!  Well, Fresca IS pretty much the shit.  Plus, he sounded like a total badass who didn’t take a lot of shit from folks.  Our babies would probably also enjoy Fresca.  It is pretty refreshing.
37. Richard Milhous Nixon, 1969-1974:  Aw, Nixon.  You were crazy.  That’s hereditary sometimes.  No babies for you.
38. Gerald Rudolph Ford, 1974-1977:  Ford was once a male model.  That’s funny- he doesn’t look ridiculously good looking (insert Zoolander pucker).  Dude, he was a klutz, and I’ve gotten stitches from falling off a curb.  That is a bad scene.  No broken babies for us, homie.
39. James Earl Carter, Jr., 1977-1981:  You are awesome!  I would totally have your babies.  You have done so much as an ex-president that none of these other foos have that you get extra babies, iffen you want em.
40. Ronald Wilson Reagan, 1981-1989:  No babies, and I hope that all the hoboes you let starve in the street and all the people that could have maybe survived getting AIDS in the 80s haunt you in your afterlife, you Gumby haired motherfucker.
41. George Herbert Walker Bush, 1989-1993:  See below for your fuckhat son.
42. William Jefferson Clinton, 1993-2001:  Bill Clinton is the first left-handed American president to serve two terms.  Clinton was mauled by a sheep when he was about eight years old. Clinton called it “the awfullest beating I ever took.” Bill Clinton was the first and only president to have been a Rhodes Scholar.  Dude, I could go on and on about how rad Clinton is.  I hope our babies are as rad as we are.  There is something really genuinely sexy about that cat.  He is the Freak in Chief.  Aww….yeah…..AND he likes the fatties.  It’s on, Billy Boy!  Call a bitch. 
43. George Walker Bush, 2001- Not even if it meant that we could re-populate the world, once you get us blowed the fuck up.  No babies, ever.  I can’t even joke about it, you’re that disgusting.

So, this friend of mine sent me all these really funny images from this photographer. 

This is probably one of my favorites…

It will be perfect for the wedding announcements for my newest babydaddy, Mr. Tracy Morgan. 

Goddamn, that’s a fine lookin couple.  Somebody gonna get PREGNANT up in here.  Oh, wait, that would be me, huh?