Ok?  Now?

Two Words:

Chatty Jesus.

You could pull a string, and he’d be all “Hi!  My name is Jesus!  I died for your sins!  Let’s play!”

I am gonna be so rich.

Moth Fart Webcam (Experimental, arthouse)

Hipster Dad (Pop-punk)

I am NEVER going to Austraila. 

LOOK AT THIS THING.  IT IS FUCKING REAL.  IT IS CALLED A GOLDEN ORB SPIDER.  IT IS EATING A BIRD. 

If I saw this, I would poop my pants and run away in tears. 

I am not lying.

Okay, I’m done.  I promise.

Okay, I’m sorry.  I’m a little obsessed.

My friends (the -ch at the end is silent, like the k sound in knife), John McCain has freaky thumbs!

I don’t think I can, in good conscience, vote for a man with freaky thumbs, freaky thumbs that obviously itch to hit the big red button in the Oval Office.  Maybe they work of their own accord, separate from the rest of his body.  Maybe they’re possessed!  I don’t want to find out.  They look like a raw turkey neck.  I wonder if he were to get treatment for carpal tunnel and his surgeon cut into that sucker if they’d find a giblet bag.

Also, I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, I can’t vote for anyone whose head looks like an uncircumsized penis.  The guy is a dick in every sense of the world.  The only way he could be a bigger one is if his name was Richard John Thomas Wang McCain.

I have no idea why this picture makes me laugh every time I see it- but it does.  This is what I happened to think he was saying today.

Dear Wolf Spiders of King County:

We need to talk.  I am assuming that because you lay eggs that your parents never gave you the…”birds and the bees” talk.  Think of me as a 2-legged version of your negligent parents for a moment whilst I attempt to explain things to you. 

Oh, where to begin…

So, there’s a time and place for everything.  You don’t eat when it’s time to sleep, you don’t make a web when it’s time to do whatever else it is you do, right?  With me so far?  You don’t make your web in a fan, or off a moving bus, right?  Good.  So we have that established.  Wait, you don’t make webs.  Whatever- where was I?  Time and place.  So, the same rule applies for BEING EVERYWHERE IN THE WORLD IN SEATTLE IN OCTOBER.

You guys are stressing me out.  Please stop doing it.  STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP IT!  You’re large, and terrifying, and you like to hide.  Stay out of my shoes, coat pockets, trashcans, litter boxes, and cupboards.  These are not acceptable homes for you.  Nothing you eat lives in my shoe.  Your behavior is HIGHLY inappropriate. 

Please, stop terrorizing me and my roomate.  Stop terrorizing my cat, who is, thankfully for you, a terrible hunter.  Don’t you want to be outside with sexy lady wolf spiders?  Llllllladies.  Hey, ladies.  You know what they say about the size of a dude’s spinnerettes, right?  Good, GO OUTSIDE.  GET OUT OF MY HOUSE. 

If you persist in your arachnidal activities, I shall be forced to smash you with the first thing I find WITHOUT wishing you a better next life.  Comprendez-vous?  Capishe?  Entiendes?  Excellent. 

God Bless You and Keep You (Out of My House)-

Spinster Peeved In Domicile Entering Rainyseason (SPIDER)

OH. MY. GOD.

I just made the colossally stupid mistake of reading some comments on the I Can Has Cheeseburger lolcat website. I now want to poke myself in the eye with a pen repeatedly. These are full grown adults, from what I can tell, talking to eachother in babytalk, making fucking birthday cakes out of letters and numbers, and ganging up on people who post a comment that makes a lick of sense somehow- kind of like so:

Dude Who Makes Sense: Wow, that is a cute picture of that kitten eating a taco.

Spaz Who Has Every Other Comment on a Comment Board: Essczewze mee, dewd whoo maykes cents, we speek lolcat heere, k thnx bai.

Additional Spaz: Firsties!

Dude Who Makes Sense: Um, I don’t think lolcat is grammatically correct. I just came here to look at pictures of cats.

Spaz: There iz certen kode of konduckt fur lolcat chatroom.

Assistant to the Spaz: I luvs tacocat. Is tastee. Like taco.

And on and on for hundreds of comments.

Which leads me to ask: ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?

Oh, wait: You can has batshit insane?

Jesus.

I want that last 10 minutes of my life back.